Been kinda down lately. Treading water so to speak. I know thats not the story people want to hear. People want to hear about the guy who clawed his way out of the depths of depression and never looked back. Problem is its not true...well its not entirely true. The clawing out part is true. I was given an amazing opportunity and I grabbed it. A whole lot of hard work went into the transformation from the isolated, lost soul I was to what people encounter today. I took a lot of chances...enough of them paid off to keep me going...trying. It needs to be added I had a lot of help...people coming along at the most unexpected times and ways to guide me forward. That part has been kind of amazing. The part thats not so true is the not looking back. The fact is depression is still very much a part of my life. My depression is not all of who I am, but it is very much a part of me. At times it is a much bigger part of me than I wish, even now. Well particularly now. The situation with my mother is inherently depressing...it would be even if I didnt struggle with depression. You add in I havent felt well the last few days and other stress factors in my life...honestly Ive felt rather overwhelmed. The coping mechanisms I have developed have been stretched, if not to their limit, closer than I would like. Its getting harder and harder to maintain some sort of positive outlook...to see hope for a future beyond the situation. I am hesitant to write about this...because I dont want to disappoint people. People have invested a lot of effort in offering me their love and support as I have struggled to put my life back together. I dont want them to feel as if their efforts are unappreciated or somehow those efforts havent had an impact. I couldnt have gotten to where I am without those efforts. I am forever in their debt. My capacity to overcome depression is not limitless. No matter how hard I try...no matter how much love and support I receive...itll always be there. It will never go away. Honestly my goal isnt to banish it. My goal is to assign my depression an appropriately sized role in my life without allowing it to become my entire life. Granted I have had some difficulty recently finding that balance recently. It is an ongoing struggle. I hope people arent disappointed I havent found the magical formula yet. I write about my depression for a couple of reasons. To talk about depression...allow for its existence and impact...lessens its effect. Depression hidden...denied...cripples, even kills. It can only dominate in the shadows. It is so easy to give up the struggle...to give in. Perhaps the most important reason I talk about my depression is Im not the only person that struggles with it in the world. Im not the only one in my social circle, including among my fb friends, who struggles with depression. It is my hope that in being public with my struggle others with see themselves in some parts of it...realize they are not the only ones who struggle. It is so easy in isolation to convince yourself its only you. Its not true. It is my hope as people see me stumble and fall...and get back up again, whether I want to or not in the moment...that my fellow travelers will come to see the struggle as worthy...that despite the difficulties the rewards are immeasurable To my fellow travelers I would say the following explicately. You are not alone. Any feeling that you are is an illusion. I have been given an amazing opportunity. I am doing the best I can. You deserve the same opportunity whether you feel as if you do or not; Ive never felt like I did. Find that opportunity...make it if you have to. The road will be rocky, but there will be enough success in the process to make it worthwhile. My fellow travelers we too deserve our place in the sun...if we will let ourselves have it.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 17:13:51 +0000
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