Being alone all day has its benefits. One of them is being able to sit down and write just to write about stuff. But what stuff is a good read and something worth writing about? I have lots of questions but I have no questions to ask you. These questions are self-questions that only the self can answer. I ponder an idea that seems like a question and I think I would say something like, “I wonder?” That sounds more like me. “I wonder what it will be like to die?” I ponder this because of my illnesses and the amount of time I have been dealing with them, vs. the statistics of this type of physiology and the ability to function on the cognitive level of being a functional being. My age and progression of the combined disease are also considered when I ponder my future. I wonder what it will be like to die is not a bad, “I wonder,” to ponder. Sitting at the table doing absolutely nothing but sitting, no nothing nada. This is the mental state of being centered, doing nothing at all and observing without observing. As long as,” I”, can be removed from the mental frame work, thinking ceases to think in terms of systems like good bad, or left right, the list is long. It’s being aware the mind is in neutral. I am sitting very aware of the universal equanimity. In this state of mind, I start to think about the body’s present situation and correlate that with the information I have about this body’s health. As each model is created and considered, each model of probability ends in shorter durations of time for its ability to sustain life and hold the conscious in place. I wonder what it will be like to die and ? The concept of heaven and hell would work if I believed it would. My take is that your very last thoughts are your eternal heaven or hell. I feel this way, because I have seen and watched many a person die. There were patients at the hospital, friends, family members and others who all ceased to exist as I observed them die. The very last moment of their life was like a frozen moment in time. Except time no longer exist for them. I have always thought if I am happy at the end of my time I will be eternally happy. If I am in any other condition, that’s how eternity will play out in that frozen moment of eternal awareness. The last note of the song fades away harmoniously or not. The living bell will ring no more. Its last rings will be echoes of the name it once was called. The always changing form of body consciousness will no longer be. Nothing will remain of it. In time all traces of this life will no longer exist. I wonder if this conscious awareness will remain past the death of the body. Aware I am not this body, I am not the parts of this body, and this mind is not this body. So what am I? I am simply awareness when everything mentally constructed is removed. The awareness that the I that designate the self and all its affiliations is not the awareness. But we use “I” conventionally so we can understand this. No more than an addict of beauty and a hunger for the Rose with thorns. A mixture of blood and bone, emotions, feelings, sensations of touch, sensuality, gender hormones, electrical impulses, form and thinking. Lots of beliefs and lots of selfishness, self-preservation, the human condition of love and hate, hope and compassion. My Ego and all its desires. I wondered maybe I do not want to be in that condition when I die. Lots of suffering and pain associated with that human desire to possess and own all that stuff. I wondered and thought it best to be a wise old man who loves everyone the same and is compassionate to all, living a life of happiness and joy by caring for others and staying in a state of perpetual happiness up to the very last moment of life. That is what I practice now and what I am always practicing. Bored or not, happy or sad, centered or off, I am always practicing helping others to the best of my ability. As I have gotten older I do not have to practice as much. I have turned into that happy old man who knows that grumpy old guy and they are always helping one another. They’ve come to terms and are one and the same Buddha. I wonder. I am lying in a bed and I can no longer breathe very well, I fade in and out of consciousness and I can hear you but no longer see or touch you. My dreams seem to take me away and the last moment of awareness is total darkness. I hear a voice say, “I love you” and I smile weakly. I am very happy the light is out.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 23:26:38 +0000