Being back in the US has proved to be slightly more difficult than I thought it was going to be. Im trying to juggle time, emotions, homeschooling, family and friends and honestly, Im not sure that Im doing any of it well. My plans of having the last few days in Panama to process all that God had done in the ministry ad in me personally, didnt work out. I ended up packing right up until almost the last minute, slept a few hours and then hopped on a plane to come here. Since arriving, we have been scrambling to find some sense of order as we prepare to leave for Africa next month. I find myself inundated with Africa tasks and all the while thoughts of Panama are still in my mind. During the day, my thoughts revolve around the next chapter of my life and at night, Panama creeps into my dreams. I didnt have a chance for closure...I still havent. That became very evident yesterday afternoon. After a productive day, the only thing I wanted to do was sit and basically do nothing. Joey and Anthony had other ideas. They have desperately been wanting out of the house so we decided to take them to see Captain America. We bought our tickets and popcorn and went inside to sit down. There was hardly anybody there (which I guess is typical for a matinee). I was enjoying the movie until I had to go to the ladies room. Its an odd place to have an epiphony. As I walked through the door, I noted the tile floor, pretty paint, the automatic flushing toilets and the amount of space that was in there. I looked at the mirror and stared at my reflection for a moment. It was this instance that a tidal wave of emotion ripped through my body. I wanted to hold it back but the force of it was too strong. I gripped the sink and began to cry. It was a sense of what in the world am I doing here? One day Im in the mountains of Panama loving on people that live in houses with no running water or electricity and now Im standing in a bathroom that any one of those people would have loved to have had as their home. It was an uncontainable surge that sent my shoulders heaving up and down and my breath hedging in and out. I was thankful to be alone. Time stood still as I sat on the floor with my knees pulled to my chest and let my head fall back against the wall. Lord, what am I feeling right now?, I ask. My heart is so heavy and Im so tired. I need You. I could feel His love surround me as He spoke. Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. I realized that although I may not understand the things that happen around me or the why of it all...I dont need to. The only thing that I need to do is to trust in Father and know that His ways are above my ways and find comfort in the fact that no matter what emotion I am feeling, He understands and is there for me. Knowing this brings me incredible peace. Father thank you for Your comfort, peace and guidance. Today, I will rest in the fact that You love me and care for me and that You will continue to guide my steps as we prepare for this next chapter in our lives. Father, I am thankful that You made the human heart big. I now know that anywhere You call me, I can leave a piece of my heart and there will still be enough left to love one more.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 18:33:38 +0000