Bloody Magicians! Modern Magicians, what do you think? Dont answer, thats just my opening gambit to tell you what I think. You knew where you were with David Nixon. Anita Harris would do a song then Nixon....hang on a minute.....heres a quick jocular interlude I just thought of, Ill say it now before I forget. I was watching telly the other night and I saw Anita Harris with Nixon. I once walked into her dressing room and she had no Nixon......well alright maybe I should have forgotten it. Back to the main thrust...Ive left the dressing room now, dont misunderstand. So yes, you knew where you were. David Nixon would invite Anita to step into a box and Ali Bongo or Alistair, his assistant, (same person just played different characters) would pass him some swords and he would plunge them through the box as if they were going right through Anita. But they werent. It was a trick. Robert Harbin. You knew where you with Robert Harbin....hed get two chairs, stick a plank across them, ask some woman to lie on the plank and then pull the chairs away. She didnt shout Eh! what you doin ? She didnt fall, she floated in mid air, even when he passed a hoop over her. We knew it was a trick. The Great Suprendo. You knew where you were with The Great Suprendo, Geoffrey Durham, once married to the nations favourite funny lady, Lennie Henry As No Longer Seen on TV. The Great Suprendo would cut a piece of string in half put it in your top pocket, say the magic words, and when you pull it out again its 20ft long like a clothes line and it has your underpants on it. We still dont know how he did it but we didnt care, it was a trick. Paul Daniels, The Paul Daniels Magic Show. You knew where you were with Paul Daniels and The Paul Daniels Magic Show. On the verge of suicide. But we didnt mind, we just put a foot through the screen and made him disappear. But it was all tricks. They said it was tricks. They didnt make out it was some sort of super natural power like Urine Geller used to do when he bent Dimblebys catheter live on BBC1 He probably started it. Trying to make out its real. Its not real, its a trick. And thats why I cant stand modern magicians. Its tricks but they make out its not. So you dont know where you are with them. Well I know where I am. Looking for the remote to switch the bastards off. And Ill tell you why. They have gone too far. They are out to shock and dont care how they do it, how elaborate or what the cost. Theyll go half way round the world just to do what Nixon used to do behind a plywood desk in Teddington Lock studios. You knew where you were with Nixon. Teddington Lock. It used to say at the end. But now theyve gone too far. Its not nice some of the things they do. Its not entertainment anymore, its shock. Shock. and they have become too extreme. Ill give you an example of how far they go these days, and what lengths they will go to in order to say was your card the Four Of Clubs and have you say Yes! It was David! Now a friend of mine went to the USA and he was just leaving the airport when he gets stopped in the street by that David Blaine, doing his Street Magic. He says, look! And he levitates himself 2 inches off the floor and my friend says youre just standing on one foot lifting your heels you twat. And Blaine says NO...woooooo! Then he gets out a pack of cards, he says look at the cards, check its a real deck. My friend says, ive got a taxi waiting but Blaine says check the sodding cards and a cop walks over and says, Hey! Check the goddam cards for Mr Blaine. So you check them and then shuffle the cards for him. Then he turns away and says take one card. My friend says, I havent got time really, my taxis waiting. Then the cop draws his gun and says Do as Mr Blaine asks Sir! So you take a card, its the 9 of Hearts but Blaine says dont let me see it, dont tell me what it is. Now write your name on the back of the card, put it in this envelope and follow me. You get into a convoy of cars and drive to the J F Kennedy memorial. He tells you to take the card from the envelope check its the same card and check it has your name on the back, so my friend checks, yes it is still the same 9 of Hearts and still has his name written on the back. Then Blaine says, go up to the eternal flame on the JFK memorial and burn it, burn the card until theres nothing left, just ashes. So my friend burns the 9 of Hearts and Blaine says, Now put the ashes back into the envelope, seal it in the envelope. Now burn the envelope as well and then follow me. They end up back at the airport and Blaine gives him a mobile phone and a hat with a camera on and says get on that plane thats waiting. I want you to fly to London England. My mate says, Ive just come from there. But its David Blaine and you dont know what hes capable of , he might levitate again. So my friend gets on the plane, while Blaine levitates for some woman mopping the floor, who screams when she sees him rise three inches and says its like voodoo and runs away. My friend arrives back at Heathrow. He doesnt have to go through customs as Blaine has sorted that and hypnotised the entire UKBA so they dont even see him. Blaine is on the phone to him, telling him to get a bus to this cemetery in Croydon. Do you know it? he asks and my friend says, yes, funnily enough I do, its where my Nans buried. Blaine asks do you visit the grave often? My friend says well, not really...no and Blaine says, but you remember the grave and how it looked, you would know if it had been disturbed.......Yeeesss! my friend says, looking a bit worried. So anyway its dark when he gets there and hes looking for the grave with a torch. Eventually he gets to the grave and there are already some shovels there waiting. Okay says Blaine, start digging. What? my friend says. You want me to dig up me Nans grave? Yes says Blaine start digging down. Well its all going to be on telly and it is David Blaine so my friend starts digging. After about 20 minutes he has uncovered the coffin. Blaine says now take the jemmy or the crowbaaaaar as you Brits call them (he knows all the lingo, hes international) and prise the lid open. Mt friend says, look shes been dead for over 10 years, Im not happy about this. You will be, believe me, says Blaine. Well its for the telly so my friend prises open the lid and theres the body with the grimace of death. Oh bloody hell! my friend shouts, I cant look. It will be fine, says Blaine. Now open the mouth. I cant my friend shouts, I want to get out of here. Blaine pauses and then says DO IT....its on the telly. So my friend opens the mouth on the corpse and there inside is a folded envelope. Take the envelope out of the mouth and open it. So my friend carefully removes the envelope from the now gaping skull. Is that the same envelope? he asks. It looks the same, my friend replies. Okay open it. So my friend opens the envelope and says, theres a card inside...I dont believe it. Okay says Blaine, with a chuckle. Take the card out and tell me what it is, is it your card? No, says my friend, its the 2 of Clubs! Just then he hears somebody shouting and sees some bloke running towards him. What the hell are you doing? the bloke shouts. Its Dynamo the English magician. What are you doing in that grave? Whats that in your hand? 2 of Clubs, my friend says. You soft bastard, you have ruined my trick. Then some other bloke runs over screaming and shouts what are you doing in my Aunties grave? It turned out my friend had dug up the wrong coffin, his Nan was the other side of the cemetery. Anyway a big fight started and Dynamo and Blaine are screaming at each other over the phone. The other bloke is amazed when he sees the 2 of clubs that my friend had pulled out the gob of his Aunty Junes mouth especially as he realises that this is all going to be on the telly. But in the end, my friend decided to do a runner and never found out if Blaine had managed to somehow shove the 9 of Hearts into his Nans gob. But thats why I cant stand these modern magicians, because they are all basically doing the same trick. So when I say, you dont know where you are with them, if its in a bloody cemetery digging up a grave in the dark, well I dont want to be there. And thats why I preferred David Nixon. You knew where you were with him.
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 01:03:06 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015