CAMPUS LIFE EPISODE 6 *We are very sorry for not keeping to time, so we are compensating you with a long episode, enjoy!* Jealousy is a feeling that brings out mixed results. It could bring out the best in you. Yes!!!!! I just said that, jealousy could make you do great things in other to outsmart your competitor. On the other hand, jealousy could make you do crazy and silly things. All in all, if we learn to channel the anger we get through jealousy into gainful ventures, we would succeed in creating a competitive world and all the innovations we are seeing today would be a childs play compared to what we will achieve. Why am i saying this? I was jealous of philip. He had the best manager one could think of. Vivian was a very popular girl on campus, she could pull crowds. In other words, the crowd will be solidly behind philip which will be a big plus to him. Abegi, wetin manager the even do wey i no fit do for myself? I consoled myself. No worry, i fit contact chris for you, the guy go be real manager. Chris was a guy who was english languages worst enemy. The way he abuses english will make you hate the language. One of those days, he was asked to pray. Papa God, i said make i gleet you. Chris started his prayer with a grammatical blunder. U make us sreep rike new born babies and wake rike giant. Na you o, if not for you we for dies.... He continued shooting his bullets, i wondered if God would answer such prayer. Abeg carry am, i dash you. I no want make stray bullets come hit me. I left philips house but not without stealing a large piece of meat. ***************************** I went to my house and started cooking for the first time in a week. If you are wondering how i feed, read this story all over again What exactly was i cooking? Noodles. I cooked my noodles and ate peacefully. I like that name noodles!!! It makes it sound like a big mans food whereas, it is now a food for the poor. I had just finished eating dinner thanks to my #50 indomie noodles. I picked up my Nokia phone and started playing Sudoku. The game was frustrating me. It made me look like a dull guy. No doubt, am dull o, but garri was like my lomosity, it increased my brain strenght. Too bad i just ate noodles. No wonder most rich people are dull. Contradictory right I was getting bored and wanted to catch some sleep when my phone rang. Meet me at the cafeteria, the caller had said. It was Cynthia. Correct girl. Na now i go eat better food jare, i tought. I quickly went to my public bathroom and took my bath, got prepared and headed straight to the cafeteria. ***************************** They where many people at the cafeteria when i came. They where probably trying to eat supper. I located Cynthia at the middle, where everybody could easily see us. I wasnt comfortable but no be me dey pay na, or so i tought. I walked up to her, she was with three of her friends. When she saw me, she stood up and hugged me. She then told me to make my orders. I quickly ordered for jellof rice with meat, and a bottle of malta guiness to wash it down. The food was delicious, I wasnt even hearing what cynthia and her friends where saying, but i could tell that they laughed occasionally. Maybe at me, but i never cared. I was very much engaged in my meal i didnt want anybody to disturb me. Few minutes later we were all through. The waiter or is it bar girl? Came to clear the table before she retured for her money. Kelvin pay her quick lets go na, cynthia spoke. I had only #20 on me. Now i know why Davido sang gobe. Kelvin pay her quick lets go na. I thought my ears where playing some kinda tricks on me so i asked, u said what? I said you should foot the bills, we have night class, i want to be early. I only had #20 on me plus my chinko nokia phone. NB: chinko is... You should know na. My phone is so chinkolicious(if there is any word like that) that i had to trow it into river benue. I woke up the following morning to find a mermaid returning the phone. But not without giving me a stern warning never to try such rubbish again. I was sure my phone wouldnt be able to buy a plate of rice. How much did you say was the money again? I asked the waitress. Its just #2500. With the way her mouth formed when calling the #2500, i bet she was having a good time enjoying my travails. I was already sweating. #2500 was way more than my weekly allowance. It was also more than the money i needed for my mr.fresher form. I was reaching out to my pocket to bring out God knows what when someone spoke. Kelvin, am just meeting you for the first time, i think i should take care of this, a girl that looked like Anastasia of the Cinderella cartoon spoke. No, i have this under control, a girl shouldnt foot the bills when a guy is around na, i said trying to maintain my rep and at the same time praying for her not to change her mind. Ill remember that next time but for now, consider this as me breaking the rule for OUR princecharming, she said stressing the OUR. Well, she had to stress that. Cynthia was a black belt Holder in karate. Its not like its a big deal, i said. But i will let you pay just this one time, i chipped in quickly before she could say anything. She brought out her purse and counted 3 clean #1000 notes and gave to the waitress but unlike vivian, she collected her change. This girl must be an Igbo girl i thought to myself. I stood up to leave(before they start ordering for another round). You didnt tell me your name, i asked. Am Amaka (oh Jeez!!! My instincts were never wrong.) It was nice meeting you Amaka i stretched out my hands and shook hers. Girls, thanks for the company. I pecked Cynthia and left(who said there was nothing to learn from hollywood?). I walked as fast as my legs could take me. I met philip and Vivian outside the cafeteria. It was dark so they couldnt see me. I felt that jealousy again. Just then i remembered i was yet to get the money for the mr. Freshers form. I walked past philip and vivian and headed straight to the hostel to see moses. Oboy, you no the try o, you just forget me like that, moses said as soon as i settled down. Guy, you no go understand, i get plenty things for my hand right now thats why. Plenty things like wetin na? You don bring food na, how you no go forget me? Moses asked a question i took as a rhetorical one. Guy, i get plans to contest for Mr. Fresher o. Moses let out a loud laugh. Why was everybody laughing at me na? Wasnt i handsome? Those were the questions that kept running in my brain. But i fine pass Bance na, i Foolishly said. NB:BANCE IS A FOOTBALLER, HE IS FROM BURKINAFASO.HIS FULL NAME IS ARISTIDE BANCE. I know, u even fine pass van vicker sef(all of una know van vicker na). No be dat one be the walaha now. The wahala na the money, i reminded him. Oboy me i no get money to chop, you want make i give you money for mr.fresher. Oboy how i wan take get the money na? I asked moses. No worry, i go give you #200 make you go gamble, u fit win pass #2000 sef. Karma was always on my side when it comes to gambling, i was definitely going to gamble. My dream of getting #2000 would soon be realised or so i tought. I left the hostel feeling very happy. It must have been the same way the multitude felt when Jesus multiplied their bread and fish. In my own case, i was happy because my #200 was going to be multiplied to over #2000. I couldnt sleep that night, i was thinking of how to win money for my mr.fresher dreams. It has been long since i gambled. The last time i gambled, i was picked up by men of the nigerian police force. Since then, anytime i see people gambling, i always run for my life. ***************************** Morning finally came. I woke up and said my prayers for the first time in that semester(who said money doesnt draw a guy close to God? That person is probably sleeping on a bike). I did my chores and ran straight to the snooker joint. I didnt go to class that day. Whats the reason for coming to school if not to learn how to make money? I was sure going to make money before i learn. Na who dey board? I wan play, i said immediately i reached there. Na how much you hold? A thick voice asked. Just then, tony walked in. Tony was uams MVP in snooker. NB:MVP-most valuable player Immediately i saw Tony, i caught goose bumps. Tony could close his eyes and still win you, i wasnt going to risk it. Na #20 i hold o, i shouted back. You dey craze? Them tell you say na biscuit them the sell here? Guy, if you no get money just commot from here. I gladly left the place, hoping to come back later but something caught my attention. I saw a place with a sign post play station. I was a guru when it came to play station games especially pes. I went into the hall and somepeople where already playing. Una dey gamble? I asked. After looking at me to be sure i wasnt a policeman, he agreed. How much una dey bet?i asked. #50 for the boardman then you fit bet anything. I paid the boardman and waited for my turn. When my turn came, nobody agreed to play with me because they were all betting #500 while i was of the #150 category which had no contestant. A guy finally agried to play with me. I was a real madrid fan so i chose real madrid while he chose Arsenal. He was a novice so i easily beat him using my legendary style of wing play. It works for me anyday. All i had to do was to locate ronaldo and use him to drive the ball from the left wing, cut into the 18 yard box and carefully sloting it at an angle. I continued winning the guy. I already had #600 naira so i skipped to the next category of #500. I also won in that category. I was feeling like a bad guy, until my opponent decided to use barcelona. Messi was just showing all the madrid players that he was the world best player. I lost my remaining matches. I was left with #100 and nobody was ready to play with me. I had lost my chances of getting money for the mr. Fresher form. The sale of form was ending the next day and i had no idea on how to vomit #2000. Philip already used his money to buy the form, he was out of cash, Musa said he doesnt have the cash, moses was a jonsing guy To the core. All hope seems to be lost. I wouldnt be able to realise my dreams of being the first man from my village to contest and win a competition such as mr.fresher I was lost in thoughts when i remembered a girl who had payed for my food in the cafeteria, AMAKA!!! I was going to ask amaka for the money, am sure she is going to be of help. If only i knew the kind of girl Amaka was. Amakas name kept ringing in my head. I now pictured her as a beautiful girl. That ugly girl i had seen in the cafeteria had now become a beautiful princess, there is nothing money cannot do. How will i get amakas number? Or how was i going to see her? I decided i was going to get the number through Cynthia. I called Cynthia but she was still in the class so she promised to call me later. Few minutes later, she called back. Whatsup, i was getting bored so i wanted to hang out with you i said as soon as she picked the call. Oh, thats great. You can come over, am on my way home, am through with my lectures for the day. I quickly put on my legedez benz and started trekking to the hostel. I was practically running, i love this Igede gene. An Igede man can trek under the rain without getting wet. No be jazz, na speed. I expertly trekked to the female hostel and waited under a tree. Few minutes later, i saw Cynthia catwalking towards me. She was putting on a red gown, she looked so much like a model. I was feeling like the luckiest man on earth. Babe, you and this your lectures ehm, if you no carry first you better go see your village people o, i joked. Is that what you wanted to tell me? Babe calm down na, just wanted to hang out. K, ull have to wait for me let me go and take my bath. Kai, girls are wicked, i cursed inside. **************************** I stood there and i was listening To two girls gossip. There where talking about the current mr.uam who according to them, used to be a humble and faithful guy. According to one of the girls, the guy had changed immediately he became mr.uam. He now follows bad friends, he smokes and drinks, he is always in the hotel with different girls. I started thinking of my life. What if i thread the same path as the mr. Uam? What if i started keeping bad friends or even join a cult group? I was bent on becoming a model in school and some frustrated girls cant stop me. The two girls kept on gossiping and insulting the guy at regular intervals. I was even getting angry but i kept my cool. Few minutes later, i saw cynthia comming out of the hostel looking as cool as ever. I fought the urge to kneel down before her. She looked like a godess. We sat at a park close to the girls hostel and started gisting. I asked her for her phone and she gave me. I quickly searched for Amaka in the phonebook. I saw two results for Amaka. I stylishly copied the two numbers. I returned her phone and told her i was leaving. She escorted me and left. I dialed Amaka1 immediately but it wasnt connecting so i tried amaka2. She picked after the first dial. Hello? A rusty voice answered at the other end. Hi, its kelvin from the eatery. Hey whatsup na? Am not fine o. Truely, i wasnt fine,i was as ugly as OBJ. Whats wrong? She asked. Amaka i need money very urgently. I went straight to the point, delay is very very dangerous. I was Expecting something like so because i paid for your meal you think i am now a bank but she just asked how much. Its #2000. K, am not at home now, u can come over in an hours time, il text you the adress. I felt relieved, atleast i would get the money but that was too easy. Or is she a philantropist? I waited around the school environment until i got a text with Amakas address. I quickly started my journey to Amakas lodge. I called her as soon as i reached and she gave me her room number. I knocked gently at the door. The door is open, come in, a voice said from inside. I opened the door and the room was dark, the windows were closed. Close the door, the voice repeated. Chai!!! Dis girl wan use me do ritual o, i thought. On the light, she commanded. I located the switch and put on the light, what i saw made me shout. Amaka was lying on the bed Unclad with #2000 on her bosoms. This na temptation, with a little confusion, infatuation. Its like p-square were aware of my predicament before they sang that song. Amaka was still staring at me with this wicked smile. Even though i needed the money, i sensed something fishy. What if this was a set-up? What if Cynthia is trying to test my faithfulness? Well, if you are asking those same questions then you are probably in my head cos those were the same questions i was asking myself. What are you waiting for? That disgusting voice asked. Amaka, please na, i started begging while my lil boy was misbehaving. Its not like you havent done it before, you did it with Cynthia and whats that girls name again? Vivian!!! Yes, Vivian. I was shocked, so Cynthia had been telling all her friends about me? Cynthia is my girlfriend, your friend and Vivian was just a mistake, i replied her. Exactly!!! Thats what i want this to be, a mistake. I was wondering why i wasnt even making any move on her. Well, maybe because the only thing i was seeing in front of me was a disgusting figure. I felt like puking You can keep your money, i said and barged out of the house. I was angry at myself for believing she was going to give me the money, i was angry at Amaka for trying to use me, i was angry at the organizers of the mr.fresher pageantery for selling the forms, i was angry at uam for admitting students such as Amaka. My phone was ringing, i picked it up and saw it was Amaka, i ended the call. After calling me without reply, she decided to send me a text. you will regret this was the content of the text. I deleted the text and went back home. **************************** I was angry, i just went home and slept. Mr. Kelvin Ode, will you take this woman as you lawfully weded wife, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health,to love and to cherish, till death do you part? Yes, i will. Miss Amaka okoro, will take this man as your lawfully weded husband, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part? Yes, i will. By the power vested on my as the pastor of this church, i declare you husband and wife. U may now kiss your bride. Jesus! Jesus!! Jesus!!! I shouted and woke up from my bad dream. It was really a nightmare. But why will i be dreaming about amaka? Is she a witch? I remembered i used to have a bible. I located it and started praying, binding and casting every evil forces that wants to attack me through Amaka. I was really praying and speaking in tongues, Amaka was never going to be my wife not even in my dreams. At that point, i forgot everything about my mr. Freshers dreams, i was busy praying. After binding and casting Amaka, i opened my eyes to see philip kneeling down in the mood of worship. Even musa the muslim guy was kneeling down. How this ones take enter my room na? Wetin dem dey do like dis sef. Praise the Lord!! Kelvin don repent o, philip spoke. I be sinner before? See this ones o. But kelvin, wetin happen wey you just the bind and cast witch na? Oboy na bad dream o. Philip and musa started laughing. So na dream turn you to pastor? Their laughter was annoying, i felt like stabbing both of them. Just then i received a message. THE GAME HAS JUST BEGUN it was from Amaka. I re-read the text, suprise was written all over my face. It was clear, Amaka is a witch. What game was she talking about? Was there a football match i was not aware of? Or did she mean what i was thinking? Was she threatening me? Please give me a break!!!! Even google server go crash if i ask all those questions. Oboy wahala dey o, i explained the whole events to my friends who just waved it off as an attempt by a desperate chick to give me sleepless nights. At that moment, i decided to forget about contesting for mr.fresher, instead i was going to trow my support behind philip. Afterall, if he wins, i still win. Oboy no worry, if she try anything we go treat her fucck up musa assured me. Na so you the talk, but when e come back fire, you go run leave me. Forget that thing, i gat your back like spine musa reassured me, an assurance i never took serious. Anytime i want to start believing in musas supernatural power of mischief, i remember the slap of that mechanic boy. That slap that changed my life. Abeg kelvin come help me beg this mosquitoes na, them don the use me celebrate sallah o. Philip was busy slapping himself. The funniest thing is that, my mosquitoes know me and they obey my voice. The mosquitoes in my room didnt have probosis, instead they had straw. The sraw enables them to feed on their prey without actually pearching on their body, so even though you slap yourself, you only succeed In breaking the straw while the mosquito escapes to go and buy another straw. Why do i know all these? Me and the orgarnisms in my room are pals. Infact, there was a time the rats in my room wanted to start paying rents but i just told them not to worry, afterall what are friends for? Oboy we don the go abeg before this mosquitoes spoil this my fine skin,philip said while running away. Mr.fresher, i hailed him while seeing them off. I went back and slept off. ***************************** I went to school the next day feeling light, like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. The sale of forms for the mr.fresher had ended the previous day. I went to school with the intention of learning. Different candidates of the mr.fresher pageantry had been coming to introduce themselves to the class in other to win the support of the crowd. Even chris, english language nemesis was a contestant. I swear, nothing wey we no go see for this life. Class, please i want you to listen as one of our very own addresses us, a guy i assumed to be chris manager had said. Good day crass, my name is chlis Amongo. I want you peoples to know that i want mr.flesher to be me. If me get mr.flesher, i go make sure say evli body go come celeblate, we go kill nyiam gyio. NB: nyiam gyio means pig meat in tiv language. Oboy if you win make sure say everybody attend GST113, a voice shouted from the back. GST113 is communication in english. A gst course. Vivian, also came and introduced philip. The way she spoke so passionately about philip, i knew it was more than just the work of a manager. I was wondering how i would have been standing there right now considering the fact that i was shy. That not withstanding, i still felt a part of me that wanted to be contesting. I had this conviction that i was going to win. How would you feel if you were to be contesting? A girl sitting close to me ask. Well, it would have been great, i replied. Someone actually saw you and thought you are qualified, she bought a form for you. Waoh!!! I felt butterflies in my stomach. Where is she? I asked Follow me. I followed her outside to see who had brought my hope back. Hello kelvin, my sponsor had said. Damn!!!!! It was Amaka. Amaka was standing outside with a white paper which i pressumed to be the mr.fresher form. Amaka was wearing a very short skirt, she was putting on a red lipstick, brown powder, some varieties of colours on her eyelashes and yellow nails. I wanted to run but my legs failed me. I wanted to run, not because of anything but because Amaka looked just like my village masquerade. The thing about the masquerade is that it always has a long whip at the back. I had to run because i didnt want anybody to remind me of mr. Stephen. Mr.Stephen was my secondary school teacher, his cane could make you forget your name. There was a day he flogged the whole school and everybody stood for the rest of the day, nobody could sit. Why are you doing this? I broke the silence. Amaka turned and spoke to her messanger you can now go I wonder why a grown up university student will be doing the work of a messanger. Kelvin, i just bought you the mr.freshers form. Dont ask how i did it, i have my connections. I also know some of the judges, i could just make a call and you are our next mr.fresher. And what do i have to give you in return? I asked. Nothing, i just felt like helping you. The Amaka i know wouldnt help you without receiving anything in return. Yes, i just met her and yes, she paid for my meal but i knew that she was going to ask for something in return. I dont think i need your help, thank you. I made to leave when she spoke. If i were you, id reconsider. How do you think Cynthia would feel when she finds out we have been exchanging calls and text behind her back? And i remember correctly, you were the one who called me first. Cynthia would be intrested in knowing how you got my number. Remember again, that i sent you a text with my home address, Cynthia would like to know what you were looking for in my house. She had caught you cheating once, but am sure she will break up with you when she finds out you cheated on her for the second time. Just accept this form, and you will never see my face again. Was this the game she was talking about? This girl had played her cards well, she had put me in a tight corner, she had pushed me to the wall, i was going to fight back. And what makes you think i dont have any evidence to incriminate you? Remember you had text me to tell me i was going to regret my actions? You had also text me to tell me that the game has just begun. My dear friend, i also have evidence i concluded. Truth is, i had deleted the two messages but Amaka didnt know about it, im going to play on that loophole. Well, there is always a way out of every problem, Amaka spoke. I said you were going to regret it because you came to my room and ra:ped me, i wasnt ready to forgive you so i sent you a text that the game has just begun. My dear friend, my evidence outweighed yours. Sh¡t!!!! This girl has just tried my patience, she is going to regret it. Amaka or whatever you call yourself, am not going to let you blackmail me. I dont need your help and i will never need your help. I left her standing there i went back to the class, picked up my bag and started going home. I needed to clear my head, i needed an advice. Musa wasnt at home when i went home so i had to visit moses. After explaining everything, he said it was just a minor case. He gave me a wrapped paper. Oboy wetin be this na? I asked. Na igbo o, just take am you go know wetin to do with Amaka. I had vowed never to have anything to do with marijuana but in this case, anything that would give me a quick solution was what i wanted. We went to the back of the hostel to smoke our igbo. After the first drag, i discovered it wasnt as hard as people had potrayed it to be so a dragged it with all my strenght, That was my greatest undoing. The whole world stood still and i felt something moving in my head as if an insect had found its way into my head. I was feeling hot, i had to remove my shirt and my trouser. I was left with my singlet and my boxers. As if an idea just entered my head, i stood up and started going. Oboy where you the go na? Moses asked. No worry, i don get the solution, i dey go collect the form from Amaka. Gimme the lighter, gimme the kush, give me the bad man thing, gimme the kpush... Gimme that thing that will blow my mind. Remember that iceprinces track in which he featured olamide, burnaboy and yung L? That was the exact track that was playing in my head at that moment. I was wondering if my head had an inbuilt mp3 player. Why were my parents always warning me against smoking? Why was my pastor always preaching against smoking? Why was everybody speaking about smoking as if it was a burden? Well, mine wasnt a burden. Mine was a blessing. All my problems where gone, thanks to my kpush. Kai... Moses you are my best friend, in fact i love you more than myself. Just see how my faded clothes had miraculously turned into paul smith( i was seeing my singlet and boxers as a pair of Paul smith designers). Oboy see my supra!!! Now i know what LG was always talking about when they say Life is good. My New best friend moses was hailing me. Fine boy! Mr.fresher! Man wey sabi! I was feeling fly. Walking gently as if i was advertising Aloe vera. I passed near a mirror and saw my hair. Which kind mumu hair be this na? I be pastor? Abeg make i scatter my dada joor. I was looking like daddy showky. Somepeople where looking at me but who send them? Na today be the first time wey dem see fine boy? I was going my own jejely o, when something caught my attention. NB: jejely means gently or minding my own business. A car was moving very fast towards my direction. Why this car go the Misbehave na? Was the driver a drunkard? Or didnt he know that he was going to sustain serious injuries if his car hit me? I felt my body was made of steel, the driver must be mad if he thinks am going to leave the road for him. I walked directly towards the direction of the car while the car was also coming towards me. The driver saw me in time and applied the brakes. Skrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! The car came to a halt just few inches in front of me. It was just like in the movies. You for no stop na mumu, i screamed. A guy came out of the car, he was just small and thin. I dont know if it was the effect of the igbo that made me see him that way but all i could see was a small boy. Why you go the drive like this? Na you get the road? I was talking to the boy and he was moving close to me. This guy no the fear o, him know who i be? I landed a hot slap on his face. The guy replied my slap with a slap but his slap was from another planet. If that mechanic boys slap was hot then this one was red hot. I wasnt going to fall my hand, as the crowd where already gathering. I sent another slap. This time the guy had attemted to dodge but i had already calculated the slap so it landed perfectly on his cheeks. I was enjoying my new found strenght, igbo you too much. The boy went straight to his car and was looking for something. Wetin that mumu the find? I asked my igbo. Guy chilax, even if him commot gun sef i dey your back, my igbo encouraged me. That was all the Encouragement i needed. I stood and waited for his next move as he removed his whip from the car. So na even teacher sef? I thought. The passenger sit oppened and this time i knew i was in for it. Another small boy came out of the car. Oya start do frog jump, the guy commanded. How this guy expect me to fall my hand for this crowd? Him the crase o. A huge uppercut landed on my stomach. Even the warms in my stomach felt it as they started scrambling for where to hide. Two slaps landed on both sides of my cheek followed by whipping and kicking. This time, the effect of the igbo cleared and i saw two hefty men beating the hell out of me. No be this small small boys wey i see now now be this? The beating was unbearable. Just before i passed out, my eyes caught a sticker on their car clearly written NIGERIAN DEFENCE ACADEMY. Chai, igbo na bas:tard WATCH OUT FOR EPISODE 7
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 07:27:12 +0000