CONFESSION: I am gynophobic in nature. Gynophobia is a specific phobia where someone is scared of females. I was abused by a woman when I was around 5-6 years old. She was my music teacher. Everything use to happen in front of my dad but sadly our culture never puts much effort into child abuse as a result he never understood that it is a child abuse on what happened to me. She use to pin me down and forcefully use to unzip my pant..... I will not say anything more because i cant say it in a public forum. This use to lead to extreme shame for me. What I regret is the final time It happened I did not resisted I dont know why I did not resisted but I know Is I still regret it. As my counselor said that the abuse led to a situation where I started accepting it because my brain lost control of it. Sadly it remained as a repressed memory for 16 years. I still cant recollect those images properly in my mind as a huge part of it is still repressed. This wasnt the only factor that contributed to my fears. The biggest damage happened to me when I was in 7th grade. It is still a huge trauma for me and it somewhere destroyed my life. During a school function when I was in 7th grade I peed in my pants in front of 2000 students of my school. The most horrific sight that still haunts me is I remember I was crying in pain and i couldnt control my urine i was wetting myself and everyone laughing at me juniors and seniors everyone there mocking me. If this was just a boys school I might have coped it but my school was a co-ed school and seeing girls laughing at me was the most brutal and painful thing that could ever happened because it hit my courage of being a man. I remember the next 2-3 years was brutal after that. I use to be bullied by everyone because I was so shocked with the trauma that it became very hard to deal. Wherever I use to go I use to see students looking at me and saying hey he is the guy who wet his pants and then they use to laugh while I use to hide my face and run away. It became harder in the locality also because wherever I went this one incident followed me people looking at me and then some even took it little too far. What happened is soon this whole incident went to the ears of parents also and many of them works with my dad. Soon my father started receiving comments from his office people also about this. Situation became so bad in my school that No one wanted to talk to me sit with me have their lunch with me. I remember going to school and sitting alone ad whole day not talking even a word with anyone because no one wanted to be near me. I remember I got a chance to feature in a science model inter class competition but no one joined my team. I remember whenever I use to go near to anyone or talk to anyone during lunch time they use to shout at me and yell me to walk away. When school picnics use to happen I use to still be alone while everyone use to play and have fun I use to sit alone or just play with a ball myself. The worst of all was making fake stories in home. You come to home and your mom asks you what did you do today and I had to make stories I had to tell er lies everyday of 3 years because I did not wanted this that my mother feels like her son is a failure. Then everynight I use to hide myself in my pillow and cry all night just wishing my life to end. I attempted suicide also but Didnt got the courage to take the last step. Whenever I use to enter my class I remember seeing people laugh at me mock me and girls commenting things like wait girls transgender is here oh victor he is a impotent Things started changing slowly though... But the effect of trauma remains always I still feel scared with women the fear of being mocked and fear of my masculinity being in question haunts me. Today though I have a girlfriend and she supports me a lot but other than her I am still uncomfortable to talk to girls in general because I feel nervous. Another effect of this trauma is that I stopped taking long distance travels in buses or cars because of this fear that what If the same incident happens again. Thanks for reading it this was long so sorry for it
Posted on: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 06:54:11 +0000
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