CONNECTED, BUT ALONE? Human relationships are rich and theyre messy and theyre demanding. And we clean them up with technology. And when we do, one of the things that can happen is that we sacrifice conversation for mere connection. We short-change ourselves. And over time, we seem to forget this, or we seem to stop caring. Were getting used to a new way of being alone together. Many people share with me this wish, that some day a more advanced version of Siri, the digital assistant on Apples iPhone, will be more like a best friend, someone who will listen when others wont. I believe this wish reflects a painful truth. That feeling that no one is listening to me is very important in our relationships with technology. Thats why its so appealing to have a Facebook page or a Twitter feed -- so many automatic listeners. And the feeling that no one is listening to me make us want to spend time with machines that seem to care about us. Were lonely, but were afraid of intimacy. And so from social networks to sociable robots, were designing technologies that will give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. We turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control. But were not so comfortable. We are not so much in control. The moment that people are alone, even for a few seconds, they become anxious, they panic, they fidget, they reach for a device. Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved. And so people try to solve it by connecting. But here, connection is more like a symptom than a cure. It expresses, but it doesnt solve, an underlying problem. We almost dont feel ourselves. So what do we do? We connect more and more. But in the process, we set ourselves up to be isolated. You end up isolated if you dont cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we dont have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, were not able to appreciate who they are. Its as though were using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self. We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But were at risk, because actually its the opposite thats true. If were not able to be alone, were going to be more lonely. And if we dont teach our children to be alone, theyre only going to know how to be lonely. https://youtube/watch?v=t7Xr3AsBEK4
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 17:54:41 +0000