Can I vent ? Ok. Years ago, I remember when I made $10 an hour, didnt have any furniture in my apartment but a couch that was given to us, 3 beds for the kids and a twin mattress in my room that I slept on for YEARS! I remember driving a car that had no air and one day in particular, in the dead heat of the summer (Ill never forget it), I looked back at my children (ages 1-3 all in car seats) , and guilt consumed me bc they were sweating so bad and I thought , omg, how will I make it? This car also would break down constantly in the middle of the road and Id have to get out and have people help me push it to start it back. Talk about embarrassing. But I never complained bc I was so hard on myself and believed it was all my fault and I just knew that I had to do what I had to do and believe me or not? I was thankful for that car! I remember struggling so bad (for YEARS), leftovers 3 nights a week for dinner were all too common (I wasnt on food stamps). Lots of fried bologna sandwich nights (I actually love fried bologna)!! I remember many nights, up with sick little children, only to have to get up and go to work the next day (exhausted) in fear Id lose my job. I remember many missed days of work bc I had no one to call. I remember making Gabe (when he was old enough) stay home with the other two while I worked (if one was sick) , bc I had no one to watch them. I remember MANY first day of schools, ceremonies, teacher parent conf and little league football games where I went/ sat alone. I remember many lonely nights where I thought Id drown in my own tears bc I felt like a failure. I felt like I let my children down for the stupid choices Ive made. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. For years, guilt consumed and controlled me. Its been a long time coming and Ive struggled to make ends meet but never once have I thought anyone owes me anything. And if you know me, you will never hear me complain or blame anyone for my choices!! Never !! So, with the little pride I still had left , that was still intact, (after all the insecurities and mistreatment ), I would always get up and do what I had to do. But as a lot of you know, Ive also been blessed in the midst of it all. AND Ive ALWAYS given God the glory ( whether people think I deserved it or not) bc even in spite of my struggles, He has taken care of me 😪 and has opened doors no man can open, showered me with gifts and placed wonderful people in my life!!! I have nothing to prove to anyone but it really pains me that people are more concerned with what bag Im carrying or how did I purchase my car???? Listen, I work my butt off! No, I dont post my where abouts everyday or that I work 60 hours a week bc thats just silly to do! But if I want to buy a new car and carry a designer bag? Thats my business! Ive struggled for years and if you were not the one who was there for me through all those lonely years? You have no right to make any comments about my life! End of story.
Posted on: Sat, 10 Jan 2015 22:03:30 +0000
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