Can Jubei rescue the Princess Ohiro and stop the Demon Warriors in time to save the ENTIRE WORLD???!! Alright! Our one-eyed hunk of samurai, Jubei Yagyu, is back to kick some demon derrière, and this time he means business! By the end of the prequel Reborn from Hell: Samurai Armageddon we had no doubt that Jubei rocked! By the end of this movie, we will be utterly awash in Jubei manhood and the shameful puniness of our own pectorals! After about 5 minutes of narration re-introducing us to the entire apocalyptic dilemma and resurrected horde which Jubei must save the entire world (!) from, our tale picks up precisely where the highly acclaimed prequel Reborn from Hell: Samurai Armageddon left off. (Actually, following the 5 minute recap, we are further familiarized with some overlapping scenes just to be precisely sure were all on the same page before this complex tale continues.) Jubei has learned of the mysterious death of his father following a visit by necromancer-at-large and Confucian scholar Shosetu Yui, and sets an intricate trap for Yui (which fails due to Yuis clever reply I cant go with you right now) to discover what in the hell is going on. At the same time, Yui has set an intricate trap for the Shogunate Governor in the hopes of enticing him to an office high in the ranks of the Fiery Forces of the Armageddon. Yuis plan, which amount to inviting the Governor over to the Evil Fortress, talking about the downside of human mortality, and then offering him a nekked virgin, eventually wears down the will-power of our last potential good guy, leaving Jubei to save the entire world (!) single-handedly. (Here I am not counting the 8, no 7, no 6... sissy samurai trying to help Jubei by gushing huge amounts of blood all over their matching bright blue ninja pajamas.) At the same time (I told you this was complex), every person capable of movement is chasing after the Princess Ohiro. The evil Duke Kishu has sent out about one million black-pajamed ninja running full throttle down the middle of the street in broad daylight after setting his drooling libidinous sites on Ohiro as the supple virgin host of his upcoming resurrection as a demon from Hell. (He eventually has to settle, apparently quite willingly, for a larger breasted nekked virgin.) To save Ohiro, Jubei and his team of sissies must cut their way through countless ninjas as they make their way to the Evil Fortress. In one of the more climactic battles which ensue, Jubei must fight his resurrected demon father amidst flashbacks of authoritarian parenting styles and stick pokes to the eye. This vivid reunion with his dysfunctional past makes it far too late for serious filial consideration of the fathers best intentioned reassurance: You should feel honored to be killed by your own father. Jubeis anger has led him down the destructive path known to the ancient samurai as the path which removes father head from father torso. But when tempers subside, in an emotionally powerful display of father-son reconciliation, Jubei picks up and lovingly fondles dads head amid violin music. Pass the tissues! And yet even after such scenes, which by now have left the viewer a sobbing heap of emotional exhaustion, the action continues (!) as Jubei faces none other than Confucian scholar turned warlock, Shosetsu Yui! Without giving away the surprise ending I can tell you that Yui cleverly escapes Jubei by disappearing into thin air (like the 100 other times in the movie), but not before the ominous prediction: I will see you at the next Armageddon... in 400 years!!. This prediction from Hell can mean only one thing Jubei fans! Another sequel in which an amazingly old and decrepit Jubei saves the entire world (!) from demonic domination using nothing else than a crutch and wooden dentures!! Save me a seat for that one!
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 09:25:00 +0000
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