Car Pool Audit: Member Hockey The Sedan Chair, Native Bearer and Automotive Audit Sub-Committee advises all members who have recently procured a vehicle from the Sir Harold Holt Car Pool that they are required to submit all logbooks to the central administration office by close of business (3.00pm) Friday, 15 August. The records are integral to an ongoing inquiry into the use of one, three and four wheeled petrol and cognac powered vehicles by Quinoa Category member, Joe Hockey. The investigation was triggered an end of financial year reconciliation statement regarding the use of pool vehicles wherein Member Hockey claimed that for the 2013-14 year he travelled a total of 3.9 light years on official HHDRS business. The sub-committee feels that the claim was slightly excessive, even after taking account of Member Hockeys explanation that the bulk of his travel was incurred after delivering Rhino Horn Category Member George Brandis to the wedding reception of a major donor held on the planet Neptune. The size of the claim also runs counter to the findings of a recent audit committee report on the use of car pool vehicles across all membership categories for the 2013-14 financial year. The report points out that when permitted access to a car, lower category members (i.e., Schnitzel Category and below) travelled an average of 63km per day to facilitate mundane tasks such as delivering teenage children to unpaid traineeships in neighbouring shires, collecting invalid parents from soup kitchens, trips to K-Mart to purchase the extra biros required to complete their weekly quota of compulsory applications for non-existent jobs, and visits to specialists to facilitate the sale of body organs required to offset planned increases in the cost of post-school education. Admittedly, the looming closure of all local car manufacturers means that affordable automotive travel will soon be beyond the reach of lower category members, rendering much of the auditing process redundant. At the same time, it will also reduce traffic congestion and cut 17 minutes from the time it currently takes Member Hockey to travel from his North Shore mansion to the nearest Jones the Grocer outlet. (We understand his taxpayer-funded driver is delighted at the prospect.) In contrast, the report indicated that individuals whose membership categories fall within the Golden Circle (such as Member Hockey) travel an average of 19km per day, mainly in order to attend to critical chores such as back waxing, spray tans and other essential personal grooming requirements, the replenishment of cigar supplies, trips to the travel agent, and the daily laying of flowers outside the front door of the nearest office of News Limited. The sub-committee also wishes to remind Member Hockey that it takes its role seriously and it will not shirk its obligations, no matter how ferocious his tantrums. In fact the only certain outcome to his highly theatrical objections to any detailed interrogation of his claims will be a bill for any damage caused by his futile attempt to intimidate the sub-committee by banging his head repeatedly against car pool vehicles. The Professor Keeper of the Abacus Sedan Chair, Native Bearer and Automotive Audit Sub-Committee
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 05:44:45 +0000
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