Caroline Martins dilemma from noon comes from a listener were calling James. He really needs your advice. Have a read of his e-mail below and call Caroline from noon on 03453 00 99 56 Dear Caroline, My name is James and Im soon to be 37 years old. Im married to my 32 year old wife Louise of 5 years, (13 years together in total). We live in a lovely house, in a quiet village and both have successful, stable and rewarding careers. We never argue, are best friends and have a wonderful joyous relationship. Sounds pretty perfect so far doesnt it? However, since my late teenage years I have never had any desire whatsoever to become a parent. I come from a very small family, I have no parents and Im an only child. Family has never been an important factor in my life. Conversely, Louise grew-up surrounded by a large 2.4 family. She seeks reassurance from me that she will (health permitting of course) become a Mum in the future. I am a very calculated and reflective person, some would describe as an over-thinker. I take responsibility very seriously and all of my years of reflection on whether I should become a parent lead me back to the belief that it really isnt for me. I simply dont have the desire to devote 20 years+ of my life to raising a child. I accept this is a very unconventional and perhaps somewhat unnatural view. Louise and I have many friends who have young children and we are very lucky to be Godparents to 5. I really enjoy interaction with these children and of course, their parents see how well I bond with them and tell me what a fantastic Dad I would be. But its easy to be a fantastic Dad for 1 day here and there. What I see though is how my friends lives have changed when they do have children. How hard they say it is, how tired they become, how they squabble and bicker, how less social they are, less money they have and how they become totally devoted to their child and less-so to themselves and each other. I see so many people who are making fantastic natural parents and so I question why I should try and force myself into something I am so reluctant about when so many people are doing such a great job. But of course, I could sideline my fears and just go for it! But then what happens when baby arrives and I realise Ive made the wrong decision? What if I cant love the child or even worse I resent it. And then resent Louise for pushing me into the decision? And so at this point Id have nowhere to turn and itd be too late. At least by not having a child I will always be safe from these fears and emotions. So what exactly are the benefits of having a child? Im not naive enough to think that having a child secures care for me when Im older and I wouldnt want to burden anyone with my old age or ill-health. Somebody recently asked me Do you not love Louise enough to give her a baby? This was incredibly insulting as this isnt about how much I love her, its about taking the responsibility of becoming a parent seriously. And I that responsibility overrides my love for her. Louise wants a decision off me; are we going to commit to trying for a child in the future or not? If not, she needs to know now so she can make her life decisions, whatever they may be. Your listeners will undoubtedly be asking well didnt you discuss this before you got married and the answer is yes. But Louise and I both thought and sincerely hoped that Id change my mind once we were married. I really do want to be normal and I wish that having children was a natural urge for me. But its not. I really dont want expensive holidays or flash cars, - I just dont want to be a bad parent. So its really decision time. Would it be the best or worst decision for me just go for it? Is there anyone out there who felt like me and decided to start a family? How did that work out? Likewise is there anybody out there who decided not to have children and have a wonderful carefree life with no regrets and would totally recommend it? Yours hopefully, A despondent James.
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 11:05:11 +0000
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