Cash for the Holidays? Check out Sangis Guide to Successful Ransom Demands Summary: Just what it says (this is a parody). by Sanguinarius [Disclaimer: This is a parody, so dont actually take it seriously and do this. I know, I know. YOU are not stupid, but somebody else *might* be. I gotta put this disclaimer in here to cover my sorry ass. (Hmmm... But, if anybody actually does go and pull this off, please send me 5% for royalties? Please? Please? *grin*) -- Sanguinarius] OK, so youve watched the tv shows where the villain kidnaps someone and holds him for ransom, and demands a lot of money. And youve thought to yourself, Man, what a quick and easy way to get rich quick! But in the end, the cops always close in on the guy, and chuck him in prison. So, youre a bit put off at attempting to actually try out this method for yourself. After all, who wants to spend the next 20 years of their life behind bars in a dark, cold prison cell with a huge, hairy beast named George for your buddy? Well, Ive given this a lot of thought, and come up with a way that I think will be successful. Its fun and easy, and sure to net you what you want -- Big Buck$!!!! OK here is the guide: 1.) First you have to kidnap someone. In this case, it does not have to be somebody rich. Just somebody. It helps if they have shifty, beady eyes, though. 2.) Force him to write ransom demands. Only dont have him say that you are holding him for ransom. Make him say that HE is holding YOU for ransom! (Youve got to watch him through this step carefully, to make sure he doesnt try to insert any kind of secret code or message in the ransom notes.) 3.) OK, youve got the notes. Good. Now send the notes to all your friends and family members. Dont forget that rich, old uncle in Detroit. -- Hope youve been nice to him lately. 4.) Your friends and family rally together to raise the money to pay your ransom and send it to the specified location (without cops...youve seen the movies). Have someone staked out there about 6 hours before someone is scheduled to make the drop, so you can watch for any cops sneaking into the location and hiding out. That way, you know in advance how many, and where they are. Now you can sneak around behind their backs, or whatever. 5.) Go and pick up the money yourself. They wont arrest you -- youre the hostage. Act innocent and frightened, but insist that they not follow you because hes got a bomb on you that hell blow up...or some likely story. Ill leave the creatives up to you. -- Use your imagination, have fun with this. You probably wont ever get to do it again, so enjoy. 6.) Stash the ransom money in a super-secret location, and return to your secret hideout. 7.) Once youre back at the secret hideout, release your hostage, and run out the door before he can leave. That way, itll look like he released you, and youre in a hurry to escape. 8.) The cops will swarm in and arrest HIM, and you can quietly slip off and retrieve you hard-earned ransom money. The cops will never believe the guys story that YOU kidnapped HIM, etc., etc. 9.) In the meantime, book a trip to Bermuda, to relax after your traumatic ordeal. Stay there until you are absolutely sure that the cops *arent* going to believe the guys story after all. Upon which time, its safe to return -- but with all that money, why not stay an extra week, just for the helluvit? 10.) (This is an optional step, but can net you even MORE money that what you got from the ransom.) Go on the talk show circuit, sell the movie rights, or write a book about your ordeal. OK, now keep this in mind: Youre sure to get away with it. Nobodys even going to suspect you. At least not the first time. You probably wont be able to get away with doing this caper more than once, or people will start to look at you suspiciously and mutter rumors amongst themselves. Thats not good. So, since youve only got one shot, go for broke (no pun intended), and dont be self-conscious in asking for a huge, disgusting amount of money in exchange for yourself. Now is NOT the time to be modest or humble. This is business, and your family LOVES you. Theyll pay out the ass to get you back, so ask for (okay, well, demand) as much as you possibly can. And above all -- Good Luck, and Enjoy! ===== c. Copyright 2002, Sanguinarius. All Rights Reserved. _________________ --Sanguinarius
Posted on: Sat, 30 Nov 2013 20:06:09 +0000