Chapter 14, Day 1: EleFan: For the love of elephants (and other giant animals) In the earliest hours of my day, before the pack woke me up, before 5 o’clock, I had an epiphany that came out of nowhere: The main reason that I decided that I would not have kids is because I could not protect them. I made the decision when I was 15. I acted on that decision when I was 27. I have never regretted it. When people would ask me why, I had/have several good reasons: I was/am very egocentric. I was/am too nonconforming. I did not have the skills. I did not want to bring a child into the world, to repeat the parenting that I had to live through. I did not want my genetic make-up to be passed on. However, it wasn’t until now that I realized how profoundly and specifically my childhood experiences had affected me. It is painful to remember my father brutalizing my brother. I shivered in my room, pulling the blankets over my head. My brother was helpless and I could do nothing. I was a child myself. But I remember the screaming. I have felt guilty all my life that I couldn’t prevent the abuse. And when I look at children, unlike most people, I do not have warm and fuzzy feelings. My subconscious moves me away from them, in fear that I cannot protect them either. This is a visceral, automatic response. As a child, I never observed loving behavior toward children. I only saw what I saw. As a teacher, I was drawn to kids with emotional problems, and I cared for them, because, as I healed them, I healed me. I loved being a teacher because I could provide a safe place, a soft spot, in the day of many children, who had lived or were living in challenging circumstances. School was a structured setting. I didn’t need to worry about protecting the kids 24/7. I loved them as best I could, during the day, feeding them emotionally, as well as intellectually. I was so lucky. My students helped to rekindle my ability to love someone besides myself, without fear…oh, not completely….But I think that acting on their behalf made me feel like a worthy human being, despite my failings. I’m sorry, Ernie, I’m still sorry….
Posted on: Mon, 02 Sep 2013 12:24:25 +0000
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