China Bound This adventure just keeps surprising me: and the last week has been the biggest so far. A week ago I attended a talk by a doctor from a Chinese Cancer Hospital. In one week from now I will be in that hospital. It has been crazy and I have lost track of what I’ve told who so please forgive me if I say things you already know. I was scheduled to have ablation here in Perth, but was still waiting for an appointment. My cancer marker (blood result that measures cancer activity) has been rising and is on an upward curve which suggests one of the tumours (the one in my right side of the liver) is becoming quite active again and I’ve lost 3kg in weight, so was getting pretty nervy about having this procedure soon. The concern I had about what they were proposing here in Perth (apart from the time it was taking) was what would happen next? Do they expect me to go back on chemo or are we just going to wait and see whether it comes back again? The likelihood is that there are other tumours that are too small to be seen on the scans. Anyway, two and a bit weeks ago I felt an urge to ring my superannuation company and ask them to transfer $25,000 to my bank account. I have a modest super fund from my corporate days and because of the official medical prognosis I had been told I could access it without paying tax. I had no idea what I was going to do with it but it felt really important so I made the call. Later that week the Cancer Support people called to tell me the Chinese were visiting. It had been a hastily arranged trip as a gap had appeared in the schedule of the hospital President and they were doing a talk. So I went to the talk, which was last Tuesday. I was waiting for an appointment date at the local hospital here, and in my mind I was committed to that path. I should have already had a date but the doctor who was to attend the ultra-sound I had done on July 3rd was sick and so I could not get a date from him then. Anyway, it was clear that the Chinese could help me but I left the talk on Tuesday with no intention to follow up. I did not request a meeting and was thinking maybe I’d look into it after the procedure here in Perth. In my intellectual mind I was not going. I woke up at 5AM on Wednesday morning with this inner voice screaming at me, telling me to make an appointment with the Chinese. It was so strong that I could hardly wait to call Cancer Support and ask how I could make a meeting and they told me they would arrange it. Then I went to the hospital for chemo. I’d requested to be put back on the full-strength intravenous chemo because of the concern for my CEA (cancer marker) results. In the previous 2 weeks it had increased from 7 to 13. It is supposed to stay below 5. Now that I was back on chemo I was hoping that it had stabilized but instead it had jumped to 29, which sent a shock-wave through me. As I sat in the hospital having the chemo put into me I felt an overwhelming force rise up inside of me. It was a pure, primal rage: not anger: not like anything I’d associate with rage: not directed at anything or anyone: just an awesome primal power. I just wanted to get out of there and go to the beach and roar at the universe: or maybe roar with the universe would be better: but had to sit there smiling in the hospital as I processed it. What I discovered sitting deep within that primal fury was a profound desire to live: not just for me but in order to give back the gift Life has given me in service to her larger evolutionary journey. I’m just not going to die because I’ve got so much to give: so much love: so much sharing: so much healing: so much joy. This morning I had a long conversation with a beautiful young woman (who offered her services to translate for the meeting with the Chinese doctor) and she asked me if I could truly say that cancer was a gift. As I thought about this I said that cancer has allowed me to truly experience life as a gift: as a blessing just to be here on this planet. One year of living in this way is worth 30 years of just existing as I was before. So yes, it is a gift and it continues to be my teacher. Anyway, back to the story: by the time I got back from the hospital I knew I had to go to China and I had not even had the meeting yet. That night I checked my bank account to find that the money I had asked to be sent had arrived last thing that evening. The next morning I met Professor Xu and when I asked what the treatment in China would cost he said between $20,000 and $25,000; the exact amount I had arranged to be sent. I really believe that I’ve been shown an example of the greater play of the universal creative force at work: that it has actually revealed its beauty and wonder to me. I believe that the desire to transfer money from my super fund was activated when Professor Xu made his decision to come to Perth. That it arrived the very evening before meeting them and that it was exactly the right amount is not a mere coincidence. Without that I would not have felt able to make such a rapid decision. So many things had to happen to make me open to this experience and they all happened in absolute perfectly choreographed timing. My decision to go is not a rational one: even though I can justify it. I just felt compelled to make this trip: while on the surface it is clear I am going for healing I really sense some deeper purpose: some deeper play at work. It is like this is my purpose calling me to go to China. And then in two months I will be going to India. It all feels so connected and yet I don’t know in what way. What is so beautiful is that I have no need to know and that is new for me: usually I am driven to work out why but I don’t need to do that in this case. As for the treatment, I will receive cryo-ablation, which involves sticking needles into my tumour sites and freezing them. Then I will undergo an intensive program called immunotherapy. Rather than using chemo to try to kill the remaining cancer cells, they will inject a specially designed vaccination into me to boost specific aspects of my natural immune defence system in an attempt to contain the cancer and disempower it. This approach is much more aligned to my own journey and my need to remain clear-headed and able to connect to the energies I love to work with. This disempowerment of the cancer cells is also very symbolic because I have experienced a tremendous sense of empowerment in making this decision. Realistically the ablation should have been done months ago. My first Oncologist requested it back in December but I’ve been subject to a public health system that, while it does its very best, falls well short of optimum. Three different Oncologists in the first three months of this year put the whole process back and it has taken seven months to get to this point. The outer reality is that I have to wait patiently for a phone call or letter to set each appointment and I have no influence over that. Now, with the people from Fuda Cancer Hospital it is like everything is moving so fast: the energy feels so clear and I get a sense of really taking charge of this journey and that is a very important ingredient in healing. I can’t say what the future will hold. I’m walking on the edge all the time with death just around the corner and yet that, my friends, is where the gift lies. The proximity of death has been such a catalyst for surrender and release: this is after all the sacred wisdom of death. I have come to see it as my friend and teacher: a companion that I can walk alongside in my journey without fear – most of the time at least. I also feel an unexplainable affinity with Professor Xu and the other people I met from China. I feel that I will do things in the future to help others connect to this wonderful hospital and I plan to write a blog on my experiences there. I’ll have my computer and internet access so will remain in touch. It feels like the start of a beautiful adventure has arrived. I’ve outdone myself on this one: it was going to be a brief note to let you know where I am but there you go. You know me: once those fingers start going the words just keep coming. Much Love Alistair
Posted on: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 13:14:03 +0000
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