Christmas is the only holiday with its own genre of music — and, as far as genres go, this one’s pretty broad. Every artist with affection for the winter observance (or a desire to make a buck off seasonal cheer) has recorded a Christmas album. No matter what you dig — death metal, hip-hop, the iffy crooning of washed-up TV stars — there’s a red-and-green CD awaiting your purchase. For those keen on kicking it kooky this December 25, we recommend the following 30 discs. They range from crass and irreverent to wholly holy, but they share one thing in common: They’re only remotely listenable for a few weeks a year. That alone is reason to be merry. John Schneider and Tom Wopat, Home For Christmas Best known as Bo and Luke Duke, the dudes they played 30-something years ago on The Dukes of Hazard, Schneider and Wopat bro down on a set of palatable yet puzzling holiday faves. Here’s hoping Larry and Balki from Perfect Strangers are next. J.J. Hrubovcak, Death Metal Christmas For about five seconds, “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” sounds normal. Then, all hell breaks loose. Blast this after placing a pentagram atop the tree and just before pouring Satan, er, Santa, a big glass of goat’s blood to go with his cookies. MXPX, Punk Rawk Christmas These pop-punk holiday tunes aren’t much different than regular MXPX songs. They’re fast, catchy, and increasingly annoying the further you get from middle school. Actually, they’re not much different than Christmas itself. Bad Religion, Christmas Songs The world’s most devoutly atheist punk band could have ripped these songs apart. Instead, they play them with passion, emphasizing the power and beauty of the music. Somehow, that makes the whole thing more subversive. Various Artists, Merry X-Mas Dammit From the Double Down Saloon The Vegas bar behind the infamous drink Ass Juice also puts out records, and this one features a bunch of wily punk acts tearing through tunes with titles like “Santa Was a Cross Dressing Nazi.” It’s a must-own, obviously. Jacob Miller, Natty Christmas Rock this set of Rasta-approved roots-reggae jams while congregating around that beautiful, green tree in your living room. You know, the funny one that makes you hungry and cures grandma’s glaucoma. B.O.B., Ska La-La-La-La It’s not just a ska band doing Christmas songs. It’s a Christian ska band doing Christmas songs. Why not just play No Doubt’s “Oi! to the World” and call it a day? Various Artists, Christmas on Death Row Credit Death Row Records for not losing sight of what this holiday is really about: shameless commercialism. Just how bulletproof is Snoop Dogg’s career? He rapped on and produced a song called “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto,” and no one called bullshit. Bob Dylan, Christmas In the Heart Dylan donated royalties from this album to Feeding America in the USA, Crisis in the UK, and the World Food Programme, so even if his thirty-fourth studio album had been a total stinker, we’d have said it smelled like gingerbread. Trickster that he is, though, the Jewish-born icon made a great record, and the video for “Must Be Santa” is second only to It’s a Wonderful Life in terms of feel-good, holiday viewing. William Hung, Hung for the Holidays After attaining D-list fame with his rendition of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” on the third season of American Idol, this sign-of-the-times celeb cashed in with a holiday EP. According to Wikipedia, he’s now a technical crime analyst. His most daunting case: The 2004 disappearance of America’s taste. Kathie Lee Gifford, It’s Christmas Time In the ‘90s, it wasn’t enough to enjoy Kathie Lee’s company for one hour each weekday morning. America needed her all the time — especially during the holidays. This wasn’t a cash-grab. It was an act of patriotism. Regis Philbin, The Regis Philbin Christmas Album A dozen years after Kathie Lee’s holiday set, her former chat-show costar got in on the action. Whose album is better? Thankfully, we live in a world where you don’t have to choose either. Twisted Sister, A Twisted Christmas These glammy, hair-metal knuckleheads specialize in overblown singalong anthems, so of course they made a terrific holiday album. When you break down crying during “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” just say you’ve got glitter in your eye. The Bresenski Twins & the Larry Chesky Orchestra, Polka Christmas If your holidays are lacking oomph, a little oompah will set you straight. Unfortunately, this is a whole lot of oompah. Pace yourself. Seth MacFarlane, Holiday for Swing The man behind Family Guy continues his Sinatra kick with yet another album the world didn’t ask for and certainly doesn’t need. It’s the musical equivalent of every piece of clothing your mother has ever bought you. Various Artists, EDM Christmas There’s no better way to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ than with a sick bass drop. That’s why one of the wise men brought glow sticks. Look it up. The Partridge Family, A Partridge Family Christmas Card America’s second-favorite ‘70s TV family stuffs your stocking with first-rate schlock. Beat that, Bradys. The Osmonds, Osmond Family Christmas Toothy, wholesome, and positively brimming with good cheer, the Osmonds bring their harmonic gifts to a collection of sentimental Xmas classics. Terrible, in other words. The Brady Bunch, Christmas With the Brady Bunch America’s favorite ‘70s TV family stuffs your stocking with B-grade schmaltz. Beat that, Osmonds. Jessica Simpson, ReJoyce: The Christmas Album Rejoice that it’s over after 11 songs! Unfortunately, “Breathe of Heaven (Mary’s Song)” may be the longest six minutes of your year, and that’s counting the six minutes you spent stuck in that rusty bear trap outside of Yanni’s rehearsal studio. Various Artists, Psychobilly Christmas Never has there been a more honest holiday song than Bamboula’s “I’m Getting Pissed for Christmas.” Someone, pass the Ass Juice. Various Aritsts, Christmas Pickins: A Banjo Christmas If Mumford and Sons never form, the banjo never makes a comeback, and maybe, just maybe, this record doesn’t get made. Getting working on those time machines, people. CantArte Regensburg & Hubert Velten, Gregorian Christmas That cloaked dude on the cover looks pretty metal, but on this sleepy disc, not a guitar is stirring, not even an acoustic. It’s heavy reverence — music to play while contemplating life’s big questions. Like this one: “Why the hell did I buy an album of Gregorian chanting?” Various Artists, Ultra Lounge: Christmas Cocktails When ‘50s suburbanites wanted to let loose, they busted out the cocktail shakers and martini glasses and got down with swing, mambo, and cha-cha numbers like these. It seems a little silly now, but it sure beats cowering in the cellar and waiting for those godless, non-halls-decking Soviets to strike. Kids Rapn The Christmas Hits, Kids Rapn The Christmas Hits There are three letters missing from “Rap’n,” and if you put ‘em together, they spell “pig.” Just saying. Christmas Dubstep For some reason, this thing opens with a remix of Iggy Pop’s “White Christmas.” After that, it’s like Skrillex rampaging through Santa’s Village at your local mall. Exciting as that may sound, it’s really just sad. DJ Santa Klaus, Techno Christmas Remember that year everybody got Casio keyboards for Christmas? This dude discovered the techno preset and never looked back. His parents owe us an apology. Nathan Kuruna, Yulenog 2: a Theremin Christmas Listen to “Screamin’ Around the Christmas Tree” while looking at the CD cover, and you will, indeed, find yourself screaming — in terror. That’s roughly the sound a Theremin makes, so maybe this Kuruna character is secretly a genius. A really, really creepy-looking genius. Like what you see?How about some more R29 goodness, right here?Nicki Minaj Raps About Losing A Child In All Things GoCould Coldplays Next Album Be Its Last?Lana Del Rey Gets Real Weepy In Two New Big Eyes Songs Refinery29 ift.tt/1BoDV2s
Posted on: Sat, 06 Dec 2014 20:52:49 +0000
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