Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arrivingALL THAT JAZZNever in a million, zillion years would the Fiver dream of using hyperbole to jazz up a story, so when we read that André Villas-Boas had launched a stunning attack during his post-match press conference yesterday, we at the very least expected to him to be wearing a Rambo-style headband while pounding the table in front of him and shouting down the nay-sayers in a fit of incoherent spittle-flecked rage.Instead, we got a mildly miffed Portuguese man occasionally brushing his hand through his hair as, without so much as raising his voice, he very calmly took two journalists to task over articles he considered misrepresentative and unfair. As attacks go, it was about as stunning as an admonishment from a disappointed village policeman whos just caught somebody cycling without a light on their bike. AVB also lined up former Tottenham chairman Lord Sugar in his cross-hairs, waspishly dismissing criticism from the innovative genius behind the Amstrad CBC664, on which a young Fiver misspent much of its youth playing Call of Duty precursor Bugaboo (The Flea).It is a sad but unsurprising state of affairs that a fairly petty and inconsequential squabble between a Premier League manager and his detractors has grabbed the lions share of the headlines in a football world where Stranraer captain and fire-fighter Frank McKeown heroically played a Scottish Cup match just a couple of hours after enduring the trauma of helping in the rescue effort at the site of a horrible helicopter crash in Glasgow city centre. But the fact of the matter is that everyone enjoys good football-related bickering, without which most editions of the Fiver would consist of some readers letters on an otherwise empty page.This morning, West Ham manager Sam Allardyce took to the airwaves with Alan Brazil and Neil Warnock, adding his two cents to the furore by suggesting AVB had acted immaturely by voicing his disgruntlement at certain gentlemen of the press in a room full of gentlemen of the press. You, and your players, have got to do your talking on the field, said Big Sam. I think hes just showed a little bit of immaturity. It can get under your skin, but you cant let that happen because youre not going to win. Unless of course you take on the pathetically craven and spineless Fiver, in which case you cannot lose.QUOTE OF THE DAYI was speaking to my uncle Ben on Saturday and said that Aaron Ramsey was almost certain to be the unanimous choice for footballer of the year. He took the glass of champagne out of my hand and said: You mean Wayne Rooney, dont you? I told him that he had made a very good point and promptly went home – Garth Crooks, man of mystery, ladies and gentlemen.CALLING ALL SUPERSTARS …25 November: Its easy to let the manager go. Then what do you do? There arent too many superstars around waiting for the job … I still believe theres room for patience and being brave and working together – Sheffield Wednesday chairman Milan Mandaric plans to give manager Dave Jones more time.1 December: Jones is sacked.FIVER LETTERS – STILL WITH PRIZESI read with interest the Fiver writing about hairdressers and their bogus small chat about where sir is going on holiday next year (Fridays Fiver). Ive had an idea stored up for ages that Id like to let loose that would save a lot of us who lack erudite, sociable and friendly personalities from all this bother. With my new fantastic system, when you phone up to make an appointment with the snippers, they ask you what time you want your chop and who youd like to do the chop as normal, but they also ask if youd like chat? Say yes and you can witter on to your hearts content. Say no, and youre free from all that been anywhere nice on your holiday? and have you had a busy day? nonsense. I mean, its probably not much fun for the scissor wielders themselves. Granted, once this new system is in place it would feel a bit rude saying no thanks to chat at first but if we all held our nerve, within a few years it would be the norm. Whos with me? – Simon Lea.If, as in the case of André Villas-Boass Tromso tormentor, people can be excluded from football grounds for being self-indulgent, petty, repetitive and unfunny (Fridays Fiver), can I suggest that the name and image of Mark Lawrenson be circulated to all clubs heads of security for inclusion on their Do not admit list? – Gavin Barber.This is recycled (Im nowhere near creative enough to think of it myself), but I did chortle heartily this morning when I heard that AVBs current nickname is Advent, on account of his days being numbered. Christmassy too, see – killing two turkeys with one stone – Martin Foster.After reading Ian Martins brilliant piece Scotland, take us northerners with you, I hit on a plan so fiendish Sepp Blatter would be outraged. Rather than ask whether the Queens Celtic and Popes ORangers should join the Premier League, shouldnt we be asking whether Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool et al should join the SPL? Hey presto, two competitive leagues and eight Big Cup places for The Sceptred Isle. I think genius might be too strong a word, but thanks – Paul Reaney.So squirrels were in ready (or grey-y?) supply at Glanford Park on Saturday after all (Fivers passim). It seems a bit late in the season, I imagine its time they high-tailed it up to Easter Road to rest, once more, during their period of annual Hibernianation – Adam McArthur.So, Ysgol Gyfun Cwm Rhymni has more consonants in its name than pupils in its classes (Fridays Still Want More)? As Y and W are both counted as vowels in the Welsh language, the name has a perfectly respectable vowel to consonant ratio of 7:12. Please keep the lazy linguistic stereotyping to your side of Offas Dyke. Weve been repressed enough! Cymru am byth! (Although, thanks for letting us play in your league. Makes up for the constant borrowing of our stadium in the early 2000s) – Matt Dony.Re: Fridays Still Want More – Paul Doyle (do I win a game now?)! A report at the time of the Dublin University AFC v Dublin AFC game decsribes how ere halftime Dublin had succeeded in putting the leather through the University posts. Trinity (University) apparently played pluckily, only the fine form of the opposing backs keeping them out, though in the end the reporter saw Dublin finally winning a pleasant game by four goals to love. Who needs a football journalism masterclass when the lingo hasnt changed in 130 years? – Keith Hennigan.• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian. And if youve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Todays winner of our letter othe day is: Simon Lea, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2014, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. Weve got more copies to give away this week, so if you havent been lucky thus far, keep trying.JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATESWe keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service for interesting people in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still arent having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.BITS AND BOBSHull City manager Bernard Cribbins will wear the 3-1 win over Liverpool like a bulletproof vest and take club owner Assem Allam to task over his proposed name change to Hull City Tigers. I dont think he quite understands what it means in terms of history and tradition, roared Cribbins, who was far less vociferous on the subject while Hull were suffering defeats.Didnt see it coming dept: Fulham have sacked Martin Jol and replaced him with René Meulensteen.Owen Coyle has mutually agreed with Wigan that he will walk through the door he was shown after the home defeat to Derby.Saido Berahino has signed a new contract with West Brom until 2017. To be able to reward one of our proteges, who has worked his way up through the ranks from the age of 11, is a great moment for the club, whooped Baggies sporting director Richard Garlick.And Newcastles Alan Pardew has won a few games and got way ahead of himself. [Big Vase] needs to change for clubs in the Premier League. League games need to go to Monday night. If they are going to insist we play Thursday, then we have to play the subsequent Premier League game on a Monday. That would be fair.RECOMMENDED VIEWINGGoals of the weekend, starring Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Glen Little.STILL WANT MORE?Behold: the Big Website World Cup 2014 interactive draw. Create your own and then whinge about the algorithm.Get your fill of the latest Football Weekly podcast with AC Jimbo and co.Are Barcelona facing an identity crisis? Sid Lowe focuses on their first league defeat of the season in his La Liga blog.Ten talking points from the weekends Premier League action.Is English footballs dismal marriage to the long ball heading towards divorce? Sean Ingle and his illustrated catapult have the answer.Michael Cox explains how José Mourinho managed to outwit Southampton with some tactical flexibility.Oh, and if its your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.SIGN UP TO THE FIVERWant your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.WELCOME THOM SAMUEL WINKWORTH. CONGRATULATIONS KATY AND DAVEBarry Glendenningtheguardian © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
Posted on: Mon, 02 Dec 2013 16:05:50 +0000
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