Column Im doing for a local publication. Thought Id post it here. See if you identify with any of it...:) ------------------------------------- Facebook is one of the biggest time sucks on the face of the planet. You know this, if you use Facebook. You get on, fully intending to only post a photo of the toast you just made or maybe friend some people you haven’t heard from in years and wouldn’t say hello to if you saw them crossing the street but feel safe doing so in the isolated atmosphere of social media, and the next thing you know, it’s a week from yesterday. Or you run across the “What Kind of (fill in the blank) Are You? “ tests. And you take them and find out your aura is gold, your old-person name is Murray, which George Strait song you are, which once-upon-a-time character you need to be, and what your perfect job is. And so forth. And so on. One test begets another and suddenly instead of having paid the mortgage or filed a story on time or opined about the liberal scourge or right-wing lunacy that will plunge this country into ruination, you’ve fallen victim to one of Facebook’s biggest time sucks. The test. I do all the time. I confess it freely. And regret it immediately after, having wasted all that time finding out the iconic anime heroine I am is Usagi Tsukino of Sailor Moon. Mind you, I have no idea who Usagi Tsukino of Sailor Moon is, nor exactly what “anime” means, but I am she. Or he. Or it. And I have invested several minutes of my life finding something out that doesn’t enhance it in the least. We are all in search of ways to better ourselves. The self-test time-sucks on Facebook aren’t one of them. But we take them because, well, we’re curious, we want to validate our existence, or embellish its reality by lying on the test, and what better way to do that than on Facebook, where billions of people have made Mark Zuckerberg one of the most annoying rich young men in the world by lowering ourselves to levels we probably wouldn’t in real life. And after we take the test, Facebook exhorts us to share our results on Facebook, so all our friends, some of whom we may actually know, can see how wonderful, pathetic, energetic, lazy, handsome, ugly, etc., we really are because a test told us so. But I can’t stop taking them. Part of it is the competitive urge in me. I see a “friend” who scored “Stormy with Strong Winds” on the “What Weather Best Describes Your Relationship,” and I want to go for “Warm and Sunny!” Someone gets “The Bug” like the Arachnids in “Starship Troopers” on the “What Kind of Alien are You?” test and I’m striving for “The Buddy” like in “E.T.” You get “Adorable” on the “Which Dictionary Definition Sums You Up Perfectly?” you can bet I’ll top your sorry cute ass with “Wonderful.” It’s addictive. Facebook tests are the cocaine of social media. You think just one more, maybe two, that’s it, I’ll put it away, never go back, never, I can stop anytime I want. Then you see someone sharing test results that makes them “Too Cocky” on the “How Much of A Gentleman Are You?” test and you dig right into your soul to prove yourself “A True Gentleman.” There are sites devoted to tests. One had so many I couldn’t scroll through them all. They raise questions no human being should ever raise, like “Which Celebrity Should be Stalking YOU?” and “What Kind of Mermaid Are You?” and “How Powerful is YOUR Love Potion?” If social media had a social conscience (it does not), there would be a test to find out if you’re taking too many tests. It would ask “How much time do you spend taking tests?” with answers like “Not nearly enough!” and “Just the right amount” and “100 percent of my day” and “I’m a pathetic useless piece of human garbage with nothing at all resembling a real-life life, I mean I’m here, aren’t I?” And son of a gun, I found one. Honestly. It’s the “Are You a Social Media Junkie?” For real. It says “Test your social media health! Is social media useful tool or an unhealthy obsession?” So I took it. And scored as a “social media junkie.” It says us junkies “exhibit both stalker and celebrity wannabe tendencies. You have forgotten how to communicate face to face.” It offers advice like “Go outside” and “Actually speak to someone.” My God. They’re so right. It’s time to act. It’s time to turn off social media notifications on my iPhone, iPad and computer. It’s time to reconnect with my fellow human beings in a meaningful, personal way. I’m going to go outside, take a walk, talk to strangers and replenish the soul long since lost inside a computer screen and hear sounds of humanity, not the inhuman, addictive click of a mouse. Well, as soon as I find out which Beyonce song describes the woman I am. Be right back.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 18:59:23 +0000
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