Combating the effects of PTSD can be very difficult. In my mind, when any animal experiences a traumatic event, they become scared, and their senses become heightened. The animal becomes ultra-aware of what is happening around them, and the foremost thing on their mind is their safety. Am I safe? What was that noise? Am I safe? What was that movement I noticed? Am I safe? This constant safety check translates into continual distraction, which in turn (I believe) results in something very similar to attention-deficit disorder. It becomes very difficult to concentrate on things that require attention (reading, filling out forms, etc). For the first two years or so after Karen took the kids, I found it impossible to read anything - books, magazines, pamphlets - especially if there was any kind of distraction around me. Needless to say, this impacted my job performance significantly. People talking, typing or walking around demanded my full attention. The put on some headphones solution was a non-solution for me... rather than focusing on product backlogs or documentation, I found myself instead tuned in to drum rhythms, key changes and tempo. Recently, Ive been able to read novels again under quiet conditions. My inner safety check has accepted that the sound of the wind in the trees or dogs barking next door no longer require hyper-vigilance. Ive even been able to go through job interviews without panic or fear (although getting sleep the night before has proved to be a challenge). Currently, Im working on a project that involves writing code in Python. When I am alone and the animals arent fussing, Im able to make good progress. The moment Lizzie comes home, however, I find myself far too attuned to hearing her click the mouse on her computer or noticing her laptop screen changing, and cant block those events out enough to get my brain wired into solving whatever problem Im facing in my project. Im really hoping that this problem isnt going to carry over into my next job. My hope is that I have enough experience and intuitive ability now in project management that, like reading a novel, I can complete tasks related to that job without becoming lost in the stimuli provided by a working environment - or at least that I can overcome the temptations of focusing on whatever is coming through a set of headphones. The good news is that there has been a measurable trend of improvement in my ability to focus, as evidenced by the book reading and the ability to think about coding at all, so I can take some comfort in knowing that what I am experiencing is (or should be) temporary. Working in an office environment on things that I dont necessarily get to choose for myself will be a big challenge. If it turns out Im not sufficiently advanced in my recovery from the trauma of losing my marriage, kids, etc., then I will not likely do well in my job, and could face losing it. If, however, Im at a point where I am able to focus and concentrate, I should be able to do a great job - I know that Im good at managing projects under ideal circumstances. There may be some flexibility in defining my work environment - maybe there will be a quiet place that I can take a laptop to, or maybe Ill be able to work from home in some situations. I dont know yet whether I can work sufficiently under those conditions, either, but at least I expect Ill have some ability to control the external distractions. Fingers are crossed.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 12:17:30 +0000
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