Constantly, I think of him and our memories. Usually, its in surface thoughts as I steal a few moments for myself in the car, the shower, or as I pass his work clothes still folded neatly where he left them in the laundry room. I stopped in front of those as I passed through for a few minutes and bawled yesterday, though. But I had to keep walking, and moving--Time to get the kids. The kids and time dont permit me to really picture him and everything that he used to do or say as often as Id like. Or maybe I have been protecting myself, disallowing those types of thoughts from entering my mind and heart regularly because then Id just be a broken mess all of the time still, failing at mommyhood as well as effectively figuring out my own souls path so I can get to where he is too. But as I approach the anniversary, I am continuously hurled back to so many things about human Josh and everything I love about him. Disbelieving that person is gone. So lively, energetic and fun that when I think about it, I still cant understand how HE could be physically missing from our lives. His overwhelming love and happiness still radiate into so many aspects today, that I cant fathom he isnt here still, giving us all a breath of fresh air. Today one of his buddies texted me and used the term greased and I thought: Holy shit. One of his favorite terms. One of his favorite expressions. Hell, one of his favorite pastimes was being greased. I had forgotten that term; it was tucked way back with so many other human moments of him. So thank you, Kyle, for the reminder of my love. I hope he is getting greased right now, laughing at us all for being mopey over him and instead saying, This is great! More beer and videas for me! His last healthy day before getting sick is today.😔 Thankful for the grief therapy I have scheduled this afternoon. Im feeling it all, and ready to let the fury of the loss take over. Hopefully I will be given renewed signs and feel his presence just a little stronger when I am done, like I usually do. I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures. Its the kind of heartache that you can feel in your bones.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 18:25:54 +0000
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