Copyright © 2009 Larry Stevens Production Design Studios™, All Rights Reserved Digital Millennium Copyright Act EPISODE 1- BJFM BILLY-JIM FAGGERT MINISTRIES INC. Warthog Flush, Alabama “in good ol’ Dixie, in the U.S. of A.” -- EMERGENCY TELYGRAPHED MESSAGE -- December 01, 2008 Oooohh, our dear and precious sweet faith-love partners, we are sending you this-shere special and private Ee-lectronic e-mail. It is being sent out only and ecsclusively to our closest and most specialist friends. Them-those that WE knows we can depend upon to save the Great End-Time Holy Work of the Lord-God Almighty HISSELF!!! Because of the vicious and hate-filled lies and rumors that were spread across them-there international broadcastin’ TV airwaves yesterday by SATAN HIS-DAMNED-SELF, we must now proclaim the holy TRUTH regarding these-here scandalous accusations against GOD’S One-and-Only Apostle and True Disciple. The Reverent Billy-Jim Faggert, ordained by (but recently involuntarily disassociated from) that Assembly of Gods bunch o’ fools. First of all, the Reverent Faggert don’t no-how, no-way weigh no 500 pounds no more! He’s been on a specially-scribed medication that he takes reg’lar to make him not wanta eat nothin. He done dropped a whole lot of his devil-loaded-up fat burden with that purty white powder. Fact-of-the-matter is, he’s so derned upset with all the lies that he ain’t slept in purt-near 30 days! Neither he ain’t been to not one Cracker Barrel rest’raunt in a couple-a-months. (And he don’t take up no dang rattlesnakes no more, nor drink none of that strict-nine persian.) Second. How in the heck was the Reverent post to know that that-there poor stranded colored-lady in the mud-ditch gully (on the north side of the road in the Holy Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Park) that he done picked up in a down-poor of a rain in the purty-pink church Rolls-Royce was really a boy dressed up like a girl? Come on!! All he done-did was git that po’girl into a warm room ‘n’ shower at the nearest and finest Motel 5 to git her out’that turrible ‘lightnin-lectrical’ storm! And how else was he post to know that she had all them-there needles ‘n’ dope-stuff on her person, what with all that AIDS and junk-stuff that the Po-Po was-a-yappin about? Shoot, the Reverent is a VICTIM of the Warthog Flush Vice Squad PO-lice! He was right SET UP! It weren’t his illegal moonshine neither in the trunk of that church car. Dear Lord, the Blesset First Lady of the Billy-Jim Faggert Church Incorporated has takin to her deathbed and is right now as we speak a-receivin the communion wine boxes and speakin in fern tungs like there’s no tomorrow! There’s word on the streets from the Elders Sisters that Her-Holiness is a-givin away Her glorious wigs and flowerdy moo-moo collection one at a time out’the second-floor bedroom winder of the Parsonage! Let’s git right to the point. Yo’ Brother needs y’all now like never before. THE LORD NEEDS YOU TO SAVE HIS CHOSEN ONE!! The Reverent Billy-Jim needs a great outpourin of God’s Love to pay his bail and git him a big-time Jew Law-yer from Mobile City. And that impound fee on the pink Rolls is addin up by the minute!!! Ohh, our dear and precious sweet faith-love partners, for a small holy-seed sacrifice of $1,000, you can DEFEAT THE DEVIL!! And git Brother out’the County lockup. For your great and beautiful love-gift the church will bestow upon you a Numbered Limited Edition of the Holy Hanky (144-count Egyptian lavender linen) of Our Lord and Savior which shall sequester within it a tiny little vial of Sanctified Holy Oil that will cure any disease--family, financial or legal problem you may be cursed with at this here time (IRS problems not included.) Don’t bother callin, cause it’s gonna just be easier if you drop off your love-gift at the side basement door at the church buildin before midnite today or at Brother Jenkins’ back door off the alley before 10 o’clock tomorrow mornin (don’t be-a bangin loud on the door). Please bring cash-money (no Social Security checks, food stamps, credit or debit cards please) and watch out for them-there Wetback gang-bangers and black crack-ho’s down the street and ‘round the corner off Warshin’ton Avenue. (A bucket of Popeye’s chicken gizzards and/or livers with hot sauce would be a tremendous blessing unto the Lord.) HALLELUJAH LORD!!!! Copyright © 2009 Larry Stevens Production Design Studios™, All Rights Reserved Digital Millennium Copyright Act EPISODE 1- BJFM
Posted on: Sun, 26 Oct 2014 15:23:05 +0000
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