Crystal Ball Thinking Try this sometime: Make a list of the top ten things in life that you worry about. How many things on your list involve events that happened in the past? If you are still stressed about things that happened in your past, have you ever wondered why they still bother you? Until someone invents a time machine, none of us can go back and change the past. It may be true that many, if not all, of us have been hurt or stressed by events that have happened in our own past. There may still be emotional wounds, and grieving that needs to take place, but the actual events that led to these wounds cannot be changed if they’re in the past. So if you find yourself ruminating about the past, ask yourself what it would take to be able to let it go. Would you need to forgive someone? Would someone need to forgive you? Who needs to make amends, and how? The first step in letting go of the past is to figure out what it is you’re letting go of. Now take a look at that list, and see how many things on it involve events that may or may not happen in the future. For each item on the list that involves the future, ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how stressed or worried you are about the event coming to pass. Call this score the ‘Stress Score.’ Now, ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely you think it is that the event you’re stressed about will happen. Call this score the ‘Outcome Score.’ Compare these two numbers. How close are they? If the Stress Score is higher than the Outcome Score, that means that you realize that you may be stressing yourself out over something that even you don’t think is very likely to occur. On the other hand, if your Outcome Score is higher than your Stress Score, then you’ve learned not to stress too much over events that are likely to happen. If both scores are fairly close, then your worry is probably realistic, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take steps to reduce your stress. The secret to reducing stress about future events is to do all you can to manage the events you’re worried about, then let go of the anxiety. If you’ve done all you can to solve the problem, then any further worry is counterproductive. This may sound impossible at first, but letting go of worry is a skill that can be learned like any other. It takes practice, but the more you practice the easier it gets. In my therapy practice, I refer to obsessive thoughts about the past or about the future as ‘Crystal Ball Thinking.’ None of us can predict the future, nor can any of us change the past. We don’t have a crystal ball that allows us to see what’s coming, so there’s no need to stress about events that lie in the future. Next time you find yourself stressing about future events, ask yourself if you might not be worrying about something that may not happen at all. We are very good at anticipating the thoughts, actions, and feelings of others. Theoretically, this has survival value. If you’re around a dangerous person, it’s probably a good idea to anticipate what they might do that could threaten your wellbeing. So we’re good at it. The problem comes in when we anticipate what another person is feeling, and we get it wrong. How often have you guessed at what another person might be thinking or feeling? How often have you guessed wrong, and how did that person react? In my Marriage and Family Therapy practice, the past gets brought up quite often between arguing couples. The idea here is that when a partner has done something wrong in the past, the other partner automatically assumes that this behavior will continue in the future, based on past performance. The problem from the other partner’s viewpoint is that, until someone invents a time machine, he or she cannot go back in time and correct past mistakes. So if the other partner continues to bring up the past, this individual will be constantly battling the ghosts of previous behaviors. Likewise, a lot of arguments among family members come about because one family member guesses at what another family member is feeling at a given moment. Consider this conversation: Jane: “What are you mad about?” Joe: “I’m not mad about anything.” Jane: “Yes you are, I can tell. So what is it?” Joe: “I told you, I’m not mad about anything.” Jane: “Come on, I know you. I can tell when you’re mad!” Joe: “I’M NOT MAD!” In the above scenario, Jane’s interpretation of Joe’s emotional state became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although Joe wasn’t angry at the start of the conversation, by the end of it he most definitely was! The easiest way to tell what a person is thinking or feeling at a given time is to simply ask them, and not to try to guess what their motivations or emotions might be. If you feel tempted to anticipate what a person is thinking or feeling, you are engaging in what I call ‘Crystal Ball Thinking.’ Unless you have a crystal ball, you cannot possibly know what another person’s thoughts or feelings may be. Of course, if you ask them, they can always be deceptive in their answers, but if they are, then that’s their responsibility, not yours. All you are responsible for is the information they give you, and how you choose to respond to that information. The way to avoid Crystal Ball Thinking is to remember Mindfulness. In the Being Mode, there is no past, there is no future. There is only this present moment. If you are truly connected to the present moment, then you avoid the temptation to blame others for their past mistakes, or to try to anticipate what their future mistakes might be. You also learn to accept whatever the person may be feeling or thinking in the present moment as their responsibility, and not yours. The only responsibility you have is to change yourself to accommodate your own sense of wellbeing. If this involves changing how you respond to difficult people, the choice is still yours. You get to decide whether such a change is worth it or not. Think about the things that keep you from connecting from other people in meaningful ways. Last week we talked about Crystal Ball Thinking. Keeping Crystal Ball Thinking in mind, how many barriers that keep you from connecting with other people could you transform or even eliminate if you throw away your crystal ball? If you can dissolve those barriers by eliminating your own Crystal Ball Thinking, would that help you to connect? Maybe there are people on your list who will still present barriers, even if you throw away your crystal ball. If this is the case, and you’ve done everything you can imagine to eliminate your own barriers, then the time has come to make a choice. Consider why it is important to you to connect to this person, and whether or not the effort is worth it if they’re not willing to reciprocate. Consider all the positives and negatives before making a decision. Once you are certain you have considered all the options, then make your decision, and make your decision final. Perhaps it’s not a person that is helping to create a barrier to your connectedness. Perhaps it’s a place, or a situation, or even yourself. The way to eliminate the barriers in this instance is to try to decide why a connection is important in the first place. Remember that connection in this sense is a spiritual sort of connection…what C.G. Jung called ‘the numinous.’ Such a connection is a transcendent experience; one that changes the way you see things, and changes the way you view your place in the world. It is a deep, spiritual sense of belonging. Think about the ways you’d like to feel connected in this context. Are there already ways in your life where you feel this connection? What is different about these connections? Evaluate the ways that you feel disconnected, and consider what would be different if you were not so disconnected. One of the values of Ecotherapy is that nature gives us something to be connected to. It’s a safe place to practice our connection skills. For example, do you have a pet? Do you feel connected to your pet? Have you ever had an argument with your pet that led you to feel disconnected? Think about these questions as you read the following: •Has your pet ever started an argument with you? •Has your pet ever asked you for your car keys? •Has your pet ever dumped you for another human? •Has your pet ever asked you for a loan? •Has any pet borrowed your tools and then not returned them? •Has a pet ever done any of the thousand things that humans have done to disappoint you? It may be argued that pets are incapable of rational thought, but humans have also, on occasion, displayed a talent for irrational thinking. What pets are capable of is unconditional acceptance. Because of this ability, animals are the ideal subjects with which to practice connecting. Likewise, the forest, the wilderness, even a garden, has no agenda and nothing to gain in any disconnectivity. A garden will not throw up any barriers to connection. This means that nature is the ideal environment for practicing connectivity skills.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Jul 2013 02:43:09 +0000
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