DILEMMA/QUESTION : Okay.Anyone that has actually met Noah and spent time with him knows that he is very caring and VERY sensitive, which are great qualities to have.Heres where my problem/question comes in.I had to have a bone marrow biopsy done.I have gone through these since I got diagnosed with/beat the shit out of Hodgkins Lymphoma.They are a critical test, and very painful.I have to go tomorrow to find out my results.When I found out I had to have it done, I spoke to Harsem about it since he is Noahs father, and we agreed that we wouldnt tell Noah unless there was something to tell.I told Noah that I got hurt, and that is why Id been lounging around and sore.The next day, Noah says to me Mami, Papi told me you had to have a cancer test and that you lied to me. I immediately started bawling, and apologized for lying, and explained I was only trying to protect him.He asked what is going to happen if it comes back, and I said I didnt know even though I do, and heres why : when I had Hodgkins back in 2002, I had chemo and radiation.I lost all of my hair.I puked up blood sometimes.I was in so much pain, I had to be sedated.And Noah was a NEWBORN, and Im glad he was so he doesnt remember seeing me like that.The doctor then told me that if it ever came back, we can do chemo and radiation but it would be useless because it would be fatal and I would die anyway, so all we could do is keep me comfortable and wait for me to die.My question is does it make me selfish if I dont do the chemo and radiation again? I wouldnt do it again because its pointless and I dont want Noahs last memories of me being me violently ill and bald and then dying anyway.Sorry if Ive rambled, Im just very upset.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Apr 2014 20:50:51 +0000
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