DONT BREAK TRADITION!!! Its hard enough coming to the decision to separate from our abusers once we learn where the problem lies. An array of difficult tasks follow upon that separation such as dissecting a lifetime of abuse while applying the newfound knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder so as to make some kind of sense of it all. We have to learn how to deprogram ourselves after decades of brainwashing, and re-raise the inner child inside of us. While all this is going on, we are being slandered, triangulated, and sometimes even harassed. This can make an already slow going process of finding inner peace feel as if it is coming to a halt. To add insult to injury, many survivors receive mixed messages from the non-narc members of the family. I dont mean the flying monkeys or enablers. Im talking about the ones who truly do understand where youre coming from and why youve chosen to separate from the toxic people in your family. Or at least they seem to understand until the holidays come around and you break the news that you will not be joining the festivities that will put you in the same vicinity as your abuser/s. Then what you get is disappointed stares and people saying, ...but you have to be there! Its tradition. And here comes the guilt! It makes you wonder if all those supportive conversations throughout the year was nothing more than a waste of breath. Do they understand or dont they? Welcome back, confusion! Example: My parents are divorced, and it has been tradition for my sisters and I, as well as our families go to my (non-narc) fathers house for Thanksgiving lunch the following Saturday. Although Ive been no contact with my narc sister for two years, I still kept tradition for my fathers sake despite the fact that everyone was so uncomfortable and the tension was nearly too thick to even walk through. This year I decided to lay a new boundary and let him know that we would not be joining the rest of the family that day. Suddenly this abusive relationship is seen as a silly sibling spat. Nothing more, nothing less. We [sisters] need to talk it out and make peace. This is where Ive had to learn to let my father believe what he wants, and view me as the stubborn daughter who refuses to let go of a grudge. On top of it, he canceled Thanksgiving altogether. We cannot change our familys way of thinking. Its shocks them when they see us applying our newfound (and very firm) boundaries not only to the abusers, but also to them. Suddenly they feel as if they are the ones being punished by us, and our abusive past is now viewed as a no-big-deal kind of situation. Were left dealing with a new hurt on top of all the pain were already sorting through, yet knowing theres nothing we can do to fix it. We are no longer the fixers of the family. This doesnt mean others will see us differently since this was the role assigned to us from childhood. I told my husband just a few days ago, I COULD fix his broken heart [by keeping tradition], but only at the expense of destroying my own. And Im just not willing to do that. Selfish? A couple of years ago I wouldve answered yes to that, but not anymore. Self preservation is not selfish. Quite the opposite. It is VITAL! Tis a new time in your life to let go of the old and begin new customs. You are not selfish for putting yourself first after all the hard work you have done to move forward from the past. So go ahead if you must and break tradition. I cant promise people will understand, but its not up to them to get it. You know the truth and that is what matters.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 19:43:48 +0000
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