Day 17 of Paradise: I am at the halfway mark into the sojourn and the passage so far, though rough and stormy, has been strangely satisfying. There is a sense of achievement I feel what Ferdinand Magellan presumably felt midway through his journey rounding the Cape of Good Hope. Having conquered the Atlantic, the Pacific lies ahead. I too have a feeling of disquiet for the perils ahead, coupled with a quiet sense of satisfaction for having survived the Furious Fourteens, The Offspring Assault, and more recently their Reclaim Respect: Get back The Mommy campaign. The journey so far has taught me valuable insights into the art of steering in uncharted waters, around treacherous shoals and surviving teen angst typhoons. Seven ground rules that have kept me alive over the fortnight which I share with you. 1. Establish dominance early: Children are devious. Children are calculating. Use the first mover advantage, abuse your position as provider, caregiver and provider to quell rebellion in the ranks even before its a gleam in their beady little eyes. 2. Set the rule, but don’t play by it: Ethical? Hah, what’s that? You are in enemy territory my friend, Its a war zone out there, they have youth on their side, but you hold the keys to the treasury. Capitalise on it. 3. You have to earn their respect but screw all that, money power is so much easier: Want the evening to yourself? Sponsor their pizza. Need to be on FB but The Younger needs help with his project? Give him rickshaw money to go over to a friends home and do it there. Bribe him with more Pizza if he baulks. 4. Invoke the Mommy: When everything fails, stretch your hand out to the receiver and say in your most pleading voice ‘If you don’t put that computer away, I.m going to tell your mom’. If that doesn’t work call her anyway and bitingly tell her ‘You know what? The kids aren’t scared of you any more. Tee hee.’ Wave the ‘L’ sign mockingly in front of your forehead. 5. Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker: Either you drink it, or you spike their Bournvita with it. Either one of the protagonists need to be doused in the spirit to calm thing down and ease the day. 6. Theatrics? It works: Practise the eye roll. Perfect the hair pulling (Remember to paste the wig into place first) and remember when you clutch the heart, its the left side you should reach for. The art of the dialogue is in the delivery. Ask Amitabh. The ‘yy’ of the ‘Whyyyyyyyy’? should end exactly at 18,000 hz just below the threshold of hearing. Add that oomph to the ‘hh’ when you exclaim ‘You both will be the deathhhh of me.’ Let the saliva splatter when you says it. It will make them flinch if the shame didnt. 7. Retreat is not dishonour:When everything fails, flee the home and watch Haider: You are not Superman. You tried your best. You gave them all. And if those ingrates still won’t listen to you and physical disciplining is an offence in your country, tactical retreat is an established and acceptable war manoeuvre. As I was saying to friend the other day, the last two weeks have been an eye opener for me. I have spent more time with them than in the preceding fifteen years. I attended The Younger’s Open House Day and I was the only male present. The mothers all looked me up and down appraisingly, and sidled up the bench in approval. “Oh you are Neel’s dad? We must meet over lunch one day.’ I have been added to the Car Pool whatsapp group and I listen in to their conversation and make them squeal with my scandalous remarks. Single parenting has its advantages.
Posted on: Fri, 10 Oct 2014 03:49:48 +0000
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