Day 34... Tonight I gazed out into the stars of a distant heaven beneath a Texas sky. Far away in a Memphis hospital, nestled in a threatened womb, Ashton and Isabella have reminded their mother and our medical team of their fragility over the last several hours. Today, while I am away, uterine contractions increased and caused K a tremendous deal of anxiety. As I received the calls early on, angst set in. A feeling I have become quite familiar with over the last five weeks suddenly returned... fear. There has always been the fear that I will either be on duty in ER or out of town for work when Isabella comes. I think of this daily, hourly even... Instead of allowing this fear to cripple us, K and I continue to pray. We do not know what the future holds. We have been blessed beyond measure in these past few weeks, mostly by all of you. The odds, although set against us since the beginning, have gradually been defeated with each hour these babies remain in her womb. God has sustained us, and through your prayers and words of inspiration, an enduring hope has lifted us. Sometimes it is all I have. Sleepless nights and a home that feels more like a hotel are well worth the sacrifice when I walk into that nursery and imagine what if they make it here. K has endured more than I could possibly imagine, and I admire her more with each day that passes. Above all other things she wants to be a mother. To that extent, I have let it be known that we will push against any obstacle that stands in the way of this dream of hers coming true. She has been confined to a hospital bed for nearly five weeks, and never has she complained. The first day she stood up to walk after four full weeks of bed confinement, her legs were too weak to bear the weight of her tiny frame. But she presses on, praying for a miracle and ignoring her own discomforts, all for the chance... just a chance... to be a mother. I admire her more for this persistence than anyone I know. Isabella is flesh of her flesh and displays such similar traits in strength. These babies and I are blessed beyond measure to have her. Ashton and I, God willing, will likely be reminded of how easy we had it in the years to come. Or so I pray. These girls are certainly tough. On days like today, when I feel further away from them than I know I should be, I feel most at peace knowing that Gods distance has not changed. This linear plane we call distance is nothing more than abstraction in Gods presence. He is always present and I cannot gain distance from His plan. He calms my angst. He relieves the tension of the fear that is building. On days like today, I am reminded to Be still. I know who is in control. When reflecting upon our difficult circumstances... I must remind myself of what my God is capable of. Even the first mention of His work boasts of such Divine power: For the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep..... And the spirit of God hovered above the dark waters.... In absence of this newfound faith that grows stronger within me daily, I too was without moral/spiritual form and desolate, saturated by the darkness of my lifestyle and general lack of faith. While the Spirit was always there, hovering, moving... I remained in the dark. Then, like Paul on his journey, I too required a blinding light... And as I was pressed to my knees, driven by a force I have never encountered... bent to His will... He spoke Light into my existence, and faith was born within me. My eyes are now open. I am no saint, but I am faithful. As in His first depicted creation of this world, He continues to move upon the face of the dark depths of human hopelessness. Faith requires Him. He is the solution, the Light. In absence of Him, we remain in the darkness... So today, I turn away from this darkness... I am still... I know that He is God. We refuse to bend to this mounting fear. He is with us and your prayers continue to lift us. Thank you all so much for praying for our family. It is still working, and He reminds us to be thankful for calm days on days like this... We take nothing for granted.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 05:30:05 +0000
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