Day +341: .....its odd, that feeling you get when one thing, an - TopicsExpress



          

Day +341: .....its odd, that feeling you get when one thing, an action, turns from feeling so damn familiar and safe to something different, foreign, a bit out of place....scary even Tomorrow we have clinic for the first time in 9 weeks and I find myself feeling so anxious about it...it wasnt that long ago that our clinic appointments comforted me, the constant tests letting me know that her numbers where all doing well and there wasnt some silent battle being waged within her little body unbeknownst to me...I remember feeling my breath catch at our last clinic apt when our doctor (I say our meaning Harlows and mine because she has gotten me through all of this just as much as she has Harlow) said we didnt need to be back for 2 months, thinking how would I survive that amount of time not knowing...not being here, our safe place... Somehow I did survive, And now I find myself apprehensive to make the drive Ive made 1000 times back to the place that holds every single memory.... Im curious as to when exactly the tides shifted and home became our safe place again... I fear the possibility of bad news, of abnormal numbers....of some new thing to over come... I feel that fear growing, it started in my chest about a week ago and it keeps creeping up to what is now a suffocating ache in the back of my throat, the kind that threatens to stop me from breathing altogether....I of course know this is just another part of this journey, one I work on on a daily basis (and will for the rest of my life), to not live in that fear...to not let it win.... I remember a moment in the very beginning, the night Harlow Grace was diagnosed in fact, it was very late and I was holding her in my arms as she slept after a very long, tough day and it was all I could do to not suffocate from that same fear...I wanted so badly to get up and run until we were so far away that nothing could ever find us....much as I do now... And though she be but little, she is fierce 💜
Posted on: Tue, 16 Dec 2014 06:24:08 +0000

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