Day 730 2 Years in perspective, my experience. So much happened in this time, when i first came up with an objective, it was to simply lose weight, all i wanted to do was shed weight and live somewhat of a normal lifestyle again. What i didnt anticipate, was the side effects. So many positive side effects that turned my life around for the better. Here is my experience. Years ago, i was an avid video game player. I would spend 8-10 hours a day in front of a television, or in front of a computer playing video games, it was one of the only things that made me happy. Growing up i didnt have many friends, it was hard for people to understand me, part of it was i didnt give them the chance, being overweight was ammo for them to use against me, over time i started to despise people in general. This would be around the time that my depression started. I was the kind of person that had that mentality, "if i am not going to be happy, then i will make others around me miserable" It did turn me into a tyrant. When i discovered online gaming, i felt at peace, cause i could shroud my existence, and create a new one, and change it at will. And sadly, this is the most dangerous thing about communicating online. You truly do not know who you were talking to, and that will never change. I did make friends while playing online games, cause there was nothing to judge about me, in fact, i was quite popular because of my skill in playing games. Guess i had a lot of practice. Year after year i spent more time on the computer, and less time with people around me, including my family. And trust me, they tried very hard to get me outside to have somewhat of an active lifestyle, but whenever i did, i would usually get in trouble, and most cases, i was usually the instigator. They saw that i was happier when i was on the computer, so they left me alone. When i graudated in 2007, i felt that i needed independence. I started working at a local coffee shop doing backshifts and disregarded school. After a few months i was able to save enough money to take up an apartment in Feb 2008. At that time i started working at the call center. I switched cause i couldnt handle backshifts anymore, and the new job did offer more money. Working at the call center did not help with the mental stability where everyday you were yelled at by customers. Even knowing that personally, its not your fault, you happen to be the person that the customer vents at when there is a problem, it does take its toll over time. I had injured my knee by slipping on ice in December 2009 which put me out of work for a while, i had to move back in with my family during recovery, i was absolutely miserable, and in a lot of pain. I was feeling that i was about to hit my breaking point. And then... it happened. The straw that broke the camels back. Jan 20 / 2010. I made the most selfish decision (at the time in my mind, it was the only decision) I was calm, but i have completely given up on everything. And it wasnt that i didnt have anybody to support me, but i pushed them all away. I did it time and time again. I kept myself sequestered in my own world, because i felt comfortable with it, and i didnt want anybody else to be a part of it. On that day, i took a bottle of painkillers, there was about 30 pills in the bottle. And i swallowed the whole thing, in the attempt of seeking peace. After swallowing the pills, about 30 seconds after, i got this major kick of adrenaline. I dont know where it came from, i was in such a panic, i knew what i wanted, but the fear of the unknown got to me, and the panic made me spit up the medication. What to do next?... i wasnt sure, i viewed it as something that i failed in, and was quite dissapointed. But, i had to look further than that, and do something different. A few months after, i was given the opportunity to move outside the province, to an area where there was a lot more opportunity. Something that i needed, cause i was going nowheres at that time, so i decided to step out of that comfort zone, and move. I moved 5000km west to Alberta to start from the ground up. It was not the greatest start, i was still depressed, had no energy, and no drive. I was living with a family member that wanted to help me get a good start, but i spent most of my time in the room, playing video games again. It got to the point where enough was enough, and he lit a fire underneath me to motivate me to do something. He gave me a timeframe to get a job, and to find a place on my own. It sounds harsh, but he made a good decision, cause it worked in the long run. With that motivation, i was able to get a job within a week (wasnt the greatest, but it did generate some sort of income) and i found a place of my own, and started from there. I was working at fast food chains, which allowed me to have discounts on food, that did not help my weight issues at all. There were some days where i would consume over 5000 calories, it was quite disgusting, but when you are depressed, you dont notice these things. I finally got that nice "wake up slap" in the face when i got on the scale at work on August 25 / 2011. For the scale to read 404lbs, i was shocked, denial is a very deadly tool, and this is a prime example. When i saw the numbers, i had to make that change. I got home that day, bought a scale, and took my weight again with no clothes on, and it read 396. This was the first day of my commitment. But the goal in my mind, was to lose weight, that was all. I made decisions, where i would walk to work (rather take a cab or bus) and try to eat healthier. I was not making the greatest start because i was working a desk job at the time. So i wanted to find some work where i could be more active. And shortly after that, i was granted that opportunity. On the very first shift, i was working with a girl, who was very concerned about my health. Started asking me questions, then showed me a video about the Body By Vi program. And i watched it, and i was trying hard to pick the flaws out. (That was the kind of person i was) I was intrigued, and she had some product at home, she made me a sample, and i bought a kit from her the next day. I did it all under the table for the first while, i didnt want to go public about it, i was too ashamed. She wanted to take a before photo, but i refused it (which i totally regret to this day). I just wanted the weight GONE. After the first 90 days, i lost 80lbs. Though i didnt really feel it, because i was still in that mentality where "its not enough, i need to lose more" others noticed immediately. And they were complimenting me, but i brushed it off, because to me, it wasnt enough. Nothing personal to those who reached out, cause they were being genuine, but it was so hard for me to accept compliments, when i felt so critical about myself, to believe them. I was able to do my job more effectively, the more weight i was losing, i was gaining more momentum. Fast forward that, after 1 year, i was down 151lbs. Many say that is a huge achievement, and i know it is, but, i was still not happy. Again, i was viewing it as "its not enough". I went to Calgary, for a Regional event with the BBV program, this was on August 24th 2012. This was where i was asked (with other people who had lost 100+ lbs) on the challenge program to go on stage. It was an amazing experience, and after hearing other peoples experience, really did strike a cord with me, and i started to open up a little more about my experience. I went to St Louis in November 2012, to the National event with the BBV program, and it wasnt until then, i found out what my real issue was. It was so obvious, but i was blinded to it by the demons in my mind. When i saw more people who were happy with their results, that was the main thing i was missing, i was down 170 at that point, but i was never happy with myself. I was still too critical of myself, saying it wasnt enough, and honestly, with that mindset, even when i met my goal, i still wasnt going to be happy with it. And that needed to change. This is where everything made sense, and things got so much better. And all it took, was simply, positive thinking. Thats it. You think positive, you are bound to get something positive in return. Life isnt all pink bunnies, and rainbows. If you want something, you really need to put the effort into it. What i learned is, - Your own worst enemy is yourself. Why is it? It has no form, it has no conscience. And it will always be with you 24/7/365. It will cut you down as long as you let it. Nobody can ever hurt you in this way, but yourself. And for me, i always let myself get in the way. Fear, Doubt, and Shame. Those were the major components for a demon so powerful, that i let it control my thinking for a very long time. And it wasnt until i had a positive thought, AND BELIEVED IT, that it started to go away. Thats the difference. You can try to have these positive thoughts, but its not until you really believe them, that your depression starts to go away. - Go public with your goals. So what if people are against it. Fact is, you need to have people that dont like what you are shooting for (this can relate to anything, not directly what i am referring about) , not just to prove them wrong, but to show how its done, some turn over and look at you for help on how to achieve their goals. If people dont like you, then its a good chance that you stand solid to your beliefs Another effect in going public, is you hold yourself accountable for your own actions. People are much more successful in achieving their goals, when they display it publicly. Be HAPPY with any positive results you get with your goal, even when its small, or incomplete. Set minor goals, and one large end goal. It sets momentum to get you there. At the start, i just wanted to lose weight. But in the end, i was able to take control of my life again. I am finally free of depression. and i am happy with what i have now, and looking forward to what comes next. Only better things come from here. Feel free to share this. That is the mission Happy 2 Years to me
Posted on: Sun, 25 Aug 2013 23:55:57 +0000
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