Day 8 of National Diabetes Awareness Month! Lets do this. I hardly talk about this topic with anyone. Its so much easier to pretend I can push it into the corners of my mind and keep anyone else from knowing that its constantly on the forefront of my thoughts. This list isnt complete, because it would be a bit much to list every individual diabetes moment that scares me, but its a solid representation. Why Diabetes Scares Me: Every decision I make regarding my diabetes care could be a life or death one. And diabetes is so unpredictable that I have to life with that. The tighter my blood glucose control, the higher chance of me making a dangerous mistake. Talk about irony. No matter how hard I try to take care of myself, I cant be perfect. Diabetes doesnt work that way. But even trying my hardest, I might end up with devastating complications later in life. Or soon. We cant know, and it keeps me up at night. Every visit to the endocrinologist, dentist, eye doctor, and blood testing lab leaves me shaking at the possibility of an upsetting result. I know how much mental, emotional, and physical effort goes into taking care of myself. And I worry that once the people close to me come to know what a commitment diabetes management is, theyll decide Im not worth the effort. And if people close to me decide I AM worth the effort, I worry that Ive backed them into making a commitment they never shouldve had to make in the first place. I dont want to/cant do this alone, but I dont want to drag anyone down with me. Im only 12+ years in. I went through teenage burnout already, and somehow pulled through. Without a cure, this is my forever. What happens the next time I burn out? How can I keep this up indefinitely? Im scared to sleep because trusting little machines to get me through the night is hard. Sleeping should be restful, right? But I cant even take a break from diabetes while I sleep. Even the thought of that is exhausting. Hoping for a cure is scary because promises have been made before. But I dont see a cure, so none of them have been kept. Whats the balance between accepting this as the rest of my life and never settling for that acceptance? Realistic and hopeful dont play well together for me. Phew! Not the brightest list. Thank goodness for puppies and the people in my life that give me something more to care about than all of these fears. And also puppies. [Reminder! November 14 we wear blue! And let me know if you have any questions about stuff, either in the comment section or privately!]
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 22:58:46 +0000
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