Day 89: Selfish. I put my hands down, against the warm earth, trying to grasp at something larger than myself. I felt cold at the apex of another hot day. My breath was ragged, from pulling against a thought I could not seem to be at peace with for longer than short periods of time. How long has it been, how many have I pushed down, how much can I truly take? How long can I endure the relentless pain I have created? I could feel the slick tension sweat, greasy against my brow. There was a compression that never seemed to get relief in my lower back, something there for as long as I can remember. I felt as though I was in a deep fever, empty, shaking, rattled. There was a weakness that had been building inside me for so long. The only thing left I had to cling to was anger. Billowing from my gut, I felt I had been mule kicked into moving again. I knew that if i gave up, there would be nothing left but oblivion. I could not cling to the precipice any longer, I gave. I caved like a house of cards on fire. To my utter shock and surprise, I did not fall forever, I was caught, in a net of what I can only refer to as love. Something had cushioned me, made me give up all my preconceptions. I knew that I would no longer need to be put in a place of pain, if I was willing to do what needed to be done. I continue to struggle with getting hurt and upset at things that other people do to me. The differences now is that I do not get angry, though I get hurt, also I realize they are not really doing anything to me, they are just leading their lives. The motivational anger is generally just not there anymore, it appears my reactions to things are really changing. Is this how other people feel? Do they get hurt, lost and wonder? I have began something, moving forward, I can see that I have harmed so many with my own pain for so long. That pain almost always caused me to lash out, whip something into a frenzy. Now, I seem to just want to shed a tear, or just let it go all together. It is taking me time, time to move away, to adjust to this new life. I am blessed to finally be granted an opportunity to grow on a positive path. One Day. Today. Love, Joel
Posted on: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 03:46:11 +0000
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