Day three at the new store done. Im beat. Paying first full months rent on the new place tomorrow. Im seven dollars short. Got two cigarettes lett. And going without the freedom of a bus pass this month. But we got this. I didnt get the money order for the rent but that is a detail for tomorrow. Had news today of my friend in the hospital. . Guess he is ok. Id like to see him. Id like to see a couple of my other friends as well. I miss my old life to a weird angle. I miss the excitement and the social aspect. But gee I dont miss anything about the stress. The paranoia. The jonesing. The riskiness. I dont miss the dirty streety world. The days long nights. The banging on my door at four. .am or pm. I do missthe ppeople. The rawness. The tenderness. But not the lies. I miss the theatrics. But not the drama. I miss being popular. But to what end.. I miss being trusted. But not being ripped off. I wish it could all have never happened. And too I wish it would have gone on forever. But when I think.. really think about the guy upstairs. .or downstairs or across the hall or across the street who all died in the scene it did go on forever forthem . And thats not really what I had in mind. So here I am out of the inner city.. out of the inner circle of the outcasts. .living in a suburban dream no one who knew me in the scene could have foreseen. And maybe there isnt the same overblown overrated and overrun sort of whirlwind blowing my mind (among other things) all to smithereens. But I am here to tell the story. Could it be that the gift of this whole ordeal is that I get to tell the story from a real insiders point of view? I survived some crazy times in that precarious world. And having lived to tell let me tell it well. I will never pretend I hated it while I was there. Nor will I lie and say that getting where I got was my goal. I did like my life while I was in that place. It was less than a year ago and only a couple of miles from where I sit typing on a phone that I PAY FOR LEGITIMATELY. .but it feels like a lifetime ago and almost like a dream. Yes.. I did like my world... or at least talked myself into believing I did. And for the select few friends ive held onto from those days.. I do love them. This woukd be infinitely easier if I were to just turn away as if I had no heart in what I did and who I loved in that life. But I refuse to walk away and forget that in the middle of that crazy darkness were beacons of briliance.. some of whom I wish I could rescueand pluck from that mire. Some who may never come out of it. Some who may. But I will love them strong and judge them not. I recognize in yhe bunch those who are true.. who can conyinue our interaction and never make the past a part of the present. Moving forward ... missing moments and being pleased at being able to miss the moments without yearning to go back to them. Ah to the friends from those daus that I miss and hold onto most... there are only two of you whom I know for certain are following my posts. Namelessly I call out to you. You know who you are. I love you. All of you who follow and read... I love you too. Together let us all keep on with our keeping on.....
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 05:11:14 +0000
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