Dealing With Difficult People - Especially Family Members - Dont try to analyze it, just fix it. Spencer and I have several friends who have had some difficulty with a family member over the holidays. Each time the person tried to analyze the situation by trying to guess the other persons motives ... usually in a bad light. We heard things like he doesnt want me to be better than him or she was always jealous that I got to do such and such. What weve learned over time is that most of the time when you try to second guess motives, you bring your own baggage into the analysis and it is often wrong. Weve seen this again and again in the hate mail I get with people saying my every action, no matter how well intentioned, is secretly based on some negative purpose I could not have even thought of. What I find is that what they were accusing me of was what they would have done, not what my intentions were. There are professionals who are able to sort things out logically, but most of us are not them. But even if you could, that is not going to change the behavior. Instead of spending my time analyzing it, there is a much quicker fix --- change the behavior I dont like. The truth is that most family members want to have a good relationship with you but some dont know how or have their own misconceptions of you. If you give them a chance though, most will try. So what I do is tell them specifically what they are doing I dont like, but I do it gently and dont let any emotional reactions they might have pull me down into a repetitive argument.. I tell them that when you do this, it makes me feel like this. I can even ask them for help figuring out why this bothers me so much. Im always surprised how many people come around and even share with me the same sorts of feelings. It is very important that I hold myself beyond argument and dont let myself be baited into one. It is also important that I dont judge the persons self worth, just the behavior. I may even tell them them how much I value them. Even if it doesnt work out, at least I tried and maybe later I will get a phone call after the person has cooled down. The only time I would not use this tact is if the person were dangerous, violent, unstable or volatile to the point they might hurt me, someone else or themselves. If your are not sure about this, leave it to the professionals.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Dec 2014 19:17:14 +0000
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