Dear Brynn, One year ago today, you graced the world with your presence. When we arrived at the hospital, we were expecting to welcome a perfectly healthy baby girl. Boy, we had no idea what we were in for! From the first moment I saw you, I was beyond smitten. The nurse took you to get your weight, length and clean you off and as soon as she gave you back to me, I knew we were in for more than adjusting to parenthood. What should have been one of the happiest days of my life was clouded by feelings of grief, sadness, anger and fear. I grieved the loss of the child I thought we were getting. I was sad to think of the way our worlds were about to change. I was sad to think that maybe we got more than we bargained for and that Braden’s life was about to change more than just adjusting to a new sibling. I was angry to think that I did everything “right” and that this still happened to us while other women were careless with their bodies during pregnancy and had “perfectly healthy” babies. And I was fearful of the things I didn’t know…all the things that lay before us. The weeks that followed your birth were some of the hardest days of my life so far. My heart hurt more and more every time I had to watch you get poked with needles or another tube get put down your throat. I was certain that my heart had literally broken the day you came back from surgery and I had to watch you whimper in pain and yet I couldn’t hold you. I felt like I physically needed you and had to go days without being able to hold your little body against mine. We struggled with basic things that are often taken for granted, like feedings and bowel movements, but when we did accomplish these things, they were milestones. Today, I am happy to say that all the things I felt a year ago are now a distant memory. I wish so badly that I could reach back to where I was a year ago and shake myself out of it and tell myself about all the wonderful things that were in store for our future. As we celebrate Brynn’s 1st birthday, I still feel a little sadness (that my baby girl is already a year old) but I mostly feel sheer happiness, pride, joy and excitement. If I could have told myself about all the happiness my daughter would bring not only me and our family, but EVERYONE she meets, I could have saved myself a lot of hurt and wasted time. I am so proud of all the hurdles we have overcome as a family. I am so proud to see all the progress she has made in just 1 short year. I’m beyond blessed to be able to watch her grow and strive. Being around Brynn has brought me the truest kind of joy and I am excited to see what our future holds. Because of Brynn, I have learned more in the last year than I thought I originally would. Being a mother makes you grow as a person in general, but being a mother of a child with special needs is something I never saw in my future. It has made me a lot stronger than I once was and not only has Brynn grown, but so have I. This last year as taught me so much more about myself than I ever thought possible, and it’s all because of one little girl. I have met people I never would have met if it weren’t for her, I have felt a love unlike any other because of her and I now know the depths of my marriage because of her. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by our side throughout this journey so far. Your love and support for our daughter (and family) makes my heart so happy and means so much more to our family than you will ever know. Brynn McKenna, I love you until the end of time. Happy 1st birthday, love bug!
Posted on: Fri, 01 Aug 2014 23:55:21 +0000
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