Dear Christian, better day today,Jill and Sue were there. i saw a lady shopping with her baby boy in the carriage,he was suckin on his hands and kickin his feet like you used to all the time,and his socks were hangin off like yours used to be,but i smiled and walked away,it was a good memory and i chose to savor it instead of discarding it and trying to think of something else.the good thing about jill and sue ,they dont let me wander for too long i either get a shout,or a push,or even a hug,and it helps get me out of that state of mind that i hate getting stuck in.everyone has been so kind,but i still have trouble lookin people in the eyes,so for the most part i just walk around staring into space to avoid it,unless they call my name then i turn around and try to put a smile on my face,the last thing i wanna do is offend anyone after theyve been so good to me,i even spoke to my boss today,he hadnt approached me yet cause he wanted to give me time to settle back into things,and i appreciate that,had he approached me monday i might of burst into tears,hes been very good to mommy,,and understanding.went to see vavo after work,finally cut loose and cried a bit,told her about my day and about that im trying to understand the reality of never seeing you again.its been 7 weeks my love,as of yesterday,jenna posted to you again like she does every week and auntie karrie wrote you a letter,i sometimes forget im not the only on who misses you and is in pain as they try to live theyre lives without you in it,even cousin iva cried over the phone with vavo last week,saying you were like another grandchild when you were at aunties during the day,she enjoyed watching you ,braden and brianna interact,and brianna,poor girl she misses you so much,she keeps askin auntie to come visit you at mommys,auntie will tell her one day,hopefully she understands.its things like this that make me miss you all the more,we had so many plans for the three of you,we were so happy when you and braden were born within days of each other,i used to say uh oh its like dennis,sandro and lily all over again,we grew up together ,and we cause mischief just like i knew you 3 would,but i was kinda lookin forward to it,it was like the next generation of trouble ya know.mommy still hasnt gone to see braden,dont have the courage yet,i know when i see him ill probly burst into tears and i dont want to cry in front of the kids and you know your auntie,if i cry shes going down with me.i was lookin forward to summer,was gonna take you to the zoo,invite auntie,dennis and your cousins ,i havent been to a zoo since i was like 6,was gonna take you to this beautiful park in woonsocket that daddy used to take me and gibby to and watch you chase gibby around maybe have a picnic,fly a kite.was gonna take you to the beach,mommy hasnt step foot on a beach since she was a teenager,mommy didnt go out much,but i wasnt about to deny you all the things i was denied,i wanted to give you everything and more,mostly i just wanted to love you and have you love me back,mommy had never been so loved as when you came into this world,theres no other feeling like it.you would have been 8 months on the 28th of this month,i wonder how much more hair you would of had and if it was still gonna be red.red hair blue eyes and that face,mama woulda had to beat the girls off of you with a baseball bat,gladly i might add.sweet christian,my love,my life,my heart ,my soul.ill love you forever,perfect in every way in my eyes. love mama
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 21:06:54 +0000
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