Dear Couples, No matter how tough things get with you and your spouse, establish some core Rules of Engagement and agree to respect them. Here are some suggestions: 1. Never, ever, insult each other with vulgar name-calling or curse words. When you cross this line its VERY difficult to go back. If its your nature to curse when youre angry then this will obviously be difficult for you but if you commit to it, it can be done. Remember that when things boil over and the argument has passed, no matter how quickly things improve those vulgar words you used will always remain in painful memories. No woman, certainly not the mother of your children, wants to remember the sting of being called a b***h and no man, certainly not the imam of the house wants to remember the sting of being called an a**hole! There are obviously many other colorful words that you could add to the examples above. You know yourself and what your tongue is capable of so learn to put the reins on it for the sake of your spouse and yourself. 2. Never, ever, disrespect each others family or friends. When you married you were both individuals with a life and history long established and you agreed to commit to each other taking all of those things into consideration. You may not like a particular family member or friend of your spouses, but they are in their lives and they have a history together so you have to respect that and never resort to insulting them or speaking ill of them. Whatever the issue is that you have it is your SPOUSES responsibility to try to find a compromise and keep his/her two worlds happy. So dont misappropriate your blame and frustration towards the friend/family member and start resenting them or badmouthing them. Remember, they are more often than not following the cue of your spouse and probably completely oblivious to any issue. Instead, take your issues up with your spouse in a mature and constructive manner and let your end goal be a COMPROMISE, not a selfish pursuit where you effectively ELIMINATE the other person from your spouses life. Again, it is your spouses responsibility to find the balance and make peace, but you have to be willing to take what he/she offers. 3. [On the flip side] Never, ever, use your family or friends as trump or power cards with your spouse. If you begin to make demands or use ultimatums and pin your spouse against your friend or family member then you are like the one who mistakenly poisons a pot and passes it around insisting that everyone eats from it. In other words, slowly things will fall apart and youll have an even bigger mess to clean up in the end! Instead of using intimidating or threatening tactics, try speaking to your spouse with the spirit of compromise, and let them know you understand that they do not share the same loyalties or affections as you do, but you need them to respect your relationship and for YOUR sake do what it takes. Obviously, you should temper your expectations to the abilities and desires of your spouse and not arbitrarily expect things from them or expect that they meet your standards. If you are committed to someone else with your time, for example, then you should not force your spouse to commit their time as well. It should be their choice and if they do it or are willing to do it then be appreciative and never act entitled to it. 4. As cliche as it sounds, dont let anger/resentment settle in your heart for too long. Some people suggest the rule of never sleeping angry with each other and that might work for some but not others. From the spiritual perspective, it is always advised to resolve disputes quickly especially when you consider the uncertainty of life and death. No matter how angry you may be with your partner, as soon as your anger subsides try to reach out...even if its a simple text message or an email. Remember, the objective is not to admit defeat or surrender your position, its about putting something out there, clearing your conscience, and obviously protecting your heart and your spouses heart from a lifetime of heartache in the event something unfortunate happens that cant be reversed or remedied...God forbid. 5. Dont ever use your spouses former admissions, confessions, weaknesses, shortcomings, etc. as ammunition in a heated situation. There is no greater way to make your partner lose complete trust in you and NEVER want to be vulnerable with you again. This is more than just taking jabs below the belt, this is ripping someones heart out while its still beating and then cutting into pieces. Anger will not be an adequate defense. Even if the situation gets resolved they will build an impenetrable fortress around their heart and will most likely never let you in again. Just please no matter how tempted you are, dont do this. Ive seen too many marriages fall apart because someone went too far this way. May God protect us all and give us the resolve to fight for our marriages with wisdom and patience. Ameen. jasmine
Posted on: Sat, 02 Nov 2013 10:27:04 +0000
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