Dear Customer Service Departments Everywhere. Listen, Im not a patient person. I know it. I know its a character flaw. Believe me, I know. I do my best to keep it under control. I actively work at being patient and understanding and calm. Im not always successful (its about 50/50, maybe 40/60, well maybe 30/70, okay, how about you just shutup about it now). But Im trying. See? Thats what Im saying. I try. I do. But there comes a point where I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE DIE DIE DIE YOU BASTARDS DIE! But Im getting ahead of myself. So, as I was saying, Customer Service: The service you provide has failed to a degree that I have to call you. So by definition Im already irritated because who calls customer service just to say, Hi, Im having a great day and your product is working perfectly. Just thought you should know. So, I call you. then I have to deal with that computer voice answering bullshit where Im forced to buy into the bizarre fantasy that the computer is a sentient self-aware being and that were having an actual human-style conversation between equals. Describe the problem youre having ... I dont understand, please restate your problem using these keywords ... okay, I think I understand, youre having a problem with purple space hamsters, if this is correct, Press 1 or say Synergy. After about five minutes of that the only keyword I can manage is liable to get me a starring position on the No-Fly List and I dont even care why I called anymore, Im just shouting random gibberish at the computer to see if I can literally cause it to explode. No, seriously, Id be willing to live with whatever problem forced me to call you in the first place if I could make your computer actually explode in a giant ball of flame and burning shrapnel - in fact, that should be an option: Press 6 for Kablooey! By design, naturally, none of the automated resolution options are even vaguely what I need to solve the problem. Press 1 if vampire space hamsters have taken control of your cable box, Press 2 if youre experiencing an interdimensional rift in space/time that causes your day to repeat over and over, Press 3 if youve already pressed 2, Press 5 if youd like to hear a small Austrian man in Lederhosen practice yodelling, Press 6 if youd like to know what happened to 4. See? This is where Kablooey! would be a useful option, Im just saying. So I have to stay on the line for a customer service resolution specialist, i.e. an actual human person (allegedly). But of course, all of your humans are busy, because of course they are, because why would the fact that all of the customer service people who work for you BEING ON THE PHONE ALL OF THE GODDAMNED TIME clue you into the fact that your computer resolution system sucks giant hamster balls and does not in point of fact actually solve anybodys problem, EVER, and that you need to hire more actual human type people (or implement the Kablooey! option, whatever). Now look, at this point Ive already started clenching my fists in an involuntary reflex and Im visualizing the ability to extrude razor sharp adamantium claws from between my knuckles. However Im still, STILL, trying to be patient and Im not actually to the point where Im actively fantasizing about slicing you up into little cubes of stew meat (yes, that IS where those packages in the butcher section of your local supermarket come from. What? You never wondered?) But this, this right here, THIS is the last straw: Horny Whales. Forty goddamned minutes Ive been on hold. Forty endless hellish minutes. And for that entire forty minutes your hold music has been Songs of the Humpback Whales. Aaaaaawoooooooooooo bueeeeeeeeeeeew aaaawooooo bweeeeeeoooooowee mweeeeeoooooooeeeeeee bluuuuuwwweeeeeeoooooohhh. The only reason youre not already neatly packaged in the meat aisle is because I want you to SUFFER DIE DIE DIE YOU BASTARDS DIE! ______________ Thank you for calling Jim Wrights Facebook page. Jim is currently experiencing a high of rate of screaming and throwing things. Please stay on the line, a customer service representative will be with you shortly...
Posted on: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 20:25:33 +0000
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