Dear David Fenton out of The Vapors Re: Turning Japanese Regretfully, as the grim duty seems to have been shirked by others, it has fallen to me to break it to that you that your transmutation into a citizen of East Asias most sought-after island cluster is unlikely to be fully consummated. Given that you are from Guildford, the becoming Oriental by birth route is out, leaving naturalization your only other option. Sadly the criteria as laid out under Article 5 of the Nationality Act clearly states that the successful would-be Nipponjin must have a history of good behavior generally, and no past history of seditious behavior. The fact that you often kiss a photograph of me when theres no-one else around, and express a desire to plaster no less than one million reproductions of it around your cell leads me to deduce that either you have been sectioned under mental health legislation or else are serving a custodial sentence for some offence or other. Both of these situations would rubber-stamp your petition Declined by the Ministry of Justice. (And to deviate for a moment, I am most disquieted as to how you have a camera recorded portrait of me in the first place. For your information I will also be exhaustively vetting any physician insisting upon X-Raying me as part of any prognosis, so that your covet for a doctor to take a picture so you can look at me from inside as well remains unfulfilled.) Your visa refusal is, I suspect, imminent and as a compromise I can only recommend that you try and get in touch with Anneka as you both appear to have similar identity crises that you could work through together. Yours honorably Derek Philpott
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 22:16:58 +0000