Dear Infertility, Im breaking up with you. I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. For 4 long years Ive allowed you to treat me badly and Ive had enough. Today Im finally strong enough to say to you, enough is enough and IT’S OVER. Youve broken my body, my heart, my emotions, my bank account and sometimes my hope and my will. You have been the most destructive relationship I have ever been in and were THROUGH. For too long I let you define who I was. Ive allowed you let me think I was broken, not good enough, and that I had done something wrong. I have grieved, been jealous, numb, angry, stressed, depressed, blamed myself and wasted time on worrying over you. I should never have stuck around so long, I should have made this decision years ago. And I feel so good now that Im free of you! How did I do it? Well, Im happy to tell you, so that others can be free of you too. • Its not because I did anything wrong. Its not a punishment from God. o 1) There are millions of druggies and warlords that get pregnant every day. o 2) I stand with some of the best men and women this world has ever known, just think of the bible…Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, and Elizabeth. Incredible faithful women (who coincidentally all had children in the end, and all of those children were important leaders), not to mention the impressive couples you have affected and I have met along the way. • I refuse to get caught up in every little new discovery of curing you along the way. Everywhere I look there is a new exercise, treatment, herb, oil, massage, vitamin, or medication. If I let it, it can send me into a frenzy of OK, this didnt work whats next! What can I do to fix this? There is no equation for infertility that will work for everyone. Instead, I learn about each one and then pray what God wants me to do. This way I whittle down all of the panicky possibilities into what God wants me to do and feel peace as I do them. • I will not doubt my answers to prayers. As I have done 4 infertility treatments now over the process of these 4 years, and they have failed you have left me to doubt my answers to prayers. This has ended up being the best experience with God in my life, because when I asked God, How I could have been so wrong, when I felt so strongly that it was so right? I received such clear answers that I knew without a doubt that God was not only aware of me and what was going on, but that He was in on it. And that I had felt so positive about doing those treatments because they are part of the plan of how our family is to come to be. • I will no longer compare my experience with you to others experience with you or their pregnancies. For way too long Ive been saying, Hey wait a second Im doing the same things and they got pregnant and I didnt or Im getting healthy and eating cardboard and havent have bread or ice cream in 6 months and they have dealt with you for just as long eat pizza and junk food everyday and just got pregnant on their own! But now I get it, even though we are both dealing with you the way our families will happen will all be different, and thats OK. Letting go of comparing myself and coming to this realization has been so freeing! This means letting go of so many peoples comments If you just.....you will get pregnant! too. • I know that no matter what you do, I will still have my family. Aging, surgeries, scaring, finances, adoptions falling through....they may be rocks in my shoes along the way..... but I know God has a plan for me and you cant stop it. • Sometimes you make me feel like deaths door, sorrow and mourning that has no ritual to help it pass, no box to lower into the grave, no end in sight and it embarrasses me that you affect me this way. Ive learned for myself that mourning and grieving is OKAY. Its healing, especially when my husband and I mourn together, but I refuse to let it run my life. Im making a choice, I allow myself to mourn, and cry, and even scream in pain...but then I choose peace. I CHOOSE PEACE. Peaceful music, prayer, reading scriptures, talking to others, writing in my journal, working on something I love, exercise, you name it, I choose to find it. Some days it takes A LOT of work to get there, but I never regret it when I do. • I refuse to feed you anymore. I know it sounds harsh to starve you out but its necessary. Remember the Cherokee Legend Story ? Of the fight between the two wolves within? For me one is Joy and one is Sadness because of my problems with you. Ive learned that if I starve my mind of all of the bad thoughts and feelings you bring...if I shake them out of my mind and replace them with gratitude and peace and happiness, I feed the wolf of Joy and I win. • Im not going to think of you and me so much. Man I have hated it when people told me just to go help people and I would feel better, mostly because I didnt have any energy! You sucked it right out of me! But recently I learned they were right all along, When I help others physically, emotionally, it doesnt matter which, somehow parts of my wounds are healed. I believe this is a gift of Jesus Christ as part of His atonement, and being His hands on the earth. Ive felt so much healing lately as anytime there is a need I hear of, I reach out to see if I can help. Or pray every morning of how to help and then follow it. This has been the clincher in getting over you. So yes, Ive had enough. No I still dont have my children yet and have no end in sight, but I will not let you label me. I will not longer see myself as infertile. I know someday that it will be a reality, so I will strengthen my hope and anchor that as my future, but I refuse to obsess over you anymore. And you know why? Because I have decided when all this is said and done in the end I want to be happy with whom I have become. I use to feel like I had wasted so much time the last 4 years on you, but my wise Dad told me this, Your time has not been wasted, the growth I have seen has been consequential to your life-I have watched and seen that. Because this whole time you have worked towards an honorable goal, your time has not been wasted. And I believe him. I want to be happy with who I have become. Im done with looking in the mirror at the sad, numb, hurt woman I have seen. So I am standing up. I am taking control. I am going to take what you have thrown at me and become the loving, wise, happy, influential woman I want to be, and you are not going to stop me. Its my choice, my responsibility, and I will do it! Im going to forget you and get to work. Im adding to my prayers of Please help me to know how to have children this... What do you want me to do with my time? and my results have already been fulfilling. So in behalf of everyone affected by you - we arent going to take it - were over you, and were better for it. Goodbye, Chelsea
Posted on: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 13:47:17 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015