Dear Maha at Chai Latte Diaries, A friend of mine makes a lot more money than I do. She works in banking and insurance, so its silly money for what she does. Lately, shes made several big purchases and now only wears designer labels. That bit is fine, if it makes her happy, Im happy for her. But she now also expects us to eat out at restaurants I cant afford and has sent me invites for fairly expensive events and things to do. While I like the glamour and shinyness of all this and have shelled out for many pricy meals with her, I realistically cant continue this. She turns down my suggestions for cheaper venues to frequent or things to do, but also wont pitch in more than her share. Is my only choice to avoid going into debt to bankrupt this friendship? FriendsOrBust Dear DebtIsNeverTheAnswer, Ramadan Mubarak if you are Muslim; happy Monday if not. Fiscal responsibility is one of the most critical and core teachings of Islam. The only instance where both God (swt) and the Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace upon him) are referenced as jointly waging war on an individual, is in direct reference to those who leave behind a debt which goes against the assets that would otherwise be inherited. The longest ayah in the Quran (ayah 282 of Surat Al-Baqarah) is about fiscal responsibility and the woes of placing oneself in debt. Imagine - hows that for symbolic? By virtue of these facts alone, do you understand the devastating magnitude of placing oneself in debt? Take it a step further and position it as thus in your head - while God has given us freedom of will, why would we ever in turn enslave ourselves to debt? The message here is simple: Dont write checks your body cant cash. Dont spend more than you make. Dont live beyond your means. Naturally, as with all human actions within Islam, intention is Gods measure for us. If you have been fiscally responsible your entire life and then must take a loan out on your home because it is the only way you can afford to take care of your ailing parent(s), and then you die while in debt, well God tells us His mercy precedes His wrath and He knows best what our intentions and circumstances are. The above provides us with the framework and perimeters of your next steps where your friend is concerned. First, however, please understand that she is not under an obligation to shell out more than her share. Should she ever choose to do this, then it should only be out of generosity, rather than expectation and obligation. Even if she were a multi-millionaire, there should never be any shade or hint of such an obligation present within the dynamic of friendship. We do not buy one another with items or count who has more money over others; rather we invest with time and energy and secrets and laughter. Not ever do we place a price-tag on the love and light that is friendship. If this is your inclination, then please work to shed this thinking because this too creates an imbalance in your friendship and ultimately breeds resentment in your heart, neither are things to which you ought to aspire, my love. Now. Onto the proposed solution. You have one of two options. Either straight-up tell her whats happening, without accusing her of purposefully excluding you due to your inability to financially keep up and also without reference to her new-found inclination to designer clothes and labels over all else. Tell her that you value her friendship, love her new job, and are excited for her new found fortunes which you pray will keep coming in in abundance (because this is how friends ought to feel, genuinely and without a hint of envy or resentment that another friend is making more money than ourselves). But...but...but...you can not keep up financially, and it would break your heart to not see her as often because you can not afford to do so. Ask her how you two can work through this while keeping an eye on the most important end-result - that of maintaining and nurturing your friendship for richer, for poorer. Or only go out with her occasionally and when you can afford it and let your hurt and pain fester. Clearly, you know that I only believe there is in fact only one solution available to you. Heres things, love - over time, you may find that she has changed or that you are simply too uncomfortable around her to continue with this friendship. Your relationship may need to take a little break, a little ebb for a while before it can flow again; behaviors which are acceptable and to be expected in any and all friendships. This metamorphosis or evolution of friendship is entirely natural and while she / you may not change at your core, outside influences always inevitably shape-shift us. If you find that after a conversation with her, there is continued pain and discomfort and agitation, then this may be one of those moments. Which - that too is alright. If you are truly connected, you will eventually find your way back to one another. Trust. In your corner, preferring a food truck over a gourmet dinner event any day, M Readers: Whats your advice for FriendsOrBust? Comment below and send us your questions at CLD. For more of Mahas wise musings visit OneFemaleCanuck.
Posted on: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 08:00:00 +0000