Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year. Wait, we dont have to take a polygraph to prove that do we? Well, just in case we do, Im going to say that I have been pretty good for ME. I didnt get married, or go to jail this year. (For me that is a big deal). This is where, in typical letters to Santa, you ask for things for other people so that way your wishes dont seem like that big of a deal. So, in this order, I want good things to happen to the following people: (These are family members AND the 9 people that FB put in my friends box on the left, so dont get crazy if I didnt mention you). I also included a few politicians. For John McCain: I hope that you can retire with dignity, 20 years ago. For Brian Thompson : I wish for you a thesaurus, a dictionary and a modern joke book. For Dusty Ross I also wish for you to get a dictionary, and someone who can read it to you. For my darling Remy: I wish that you get that Flutterby and the Optimus Prime youre begging for, but also the switch blade and pink camo backpack and kinfe. I also wish that you can go to the bathroom this year without announcing it to everyone AND that you are no longer afraid of spiders. (Trust me, this last one is really important). For Sara Brown, I wish for you to find Charlie Hunnams home phone number and address. And go there. For Megan Penix: I wish for you to not get punched by me all of 2015 (Santa, I know what youre thinking, but it is REALLY hard not to punch her). For Jerry Clark I wish that you trip and fall into a pit full of candy. And boobs. For Becca Ross, I wish that you can finally be the height on the outside that you feel like on the inside. haha. For our president: I hope that Santa finally grants you full U.S. Citizenship. Or, that you are covered by amnesty, so Donald Trump can stop taking blood pressure medicine now. (This also covers my wish for Donald Trump) For DebbieandBob Ross Iwish for you to have separate FB accounts, so my mom doesnt seem like a crazy person when my dad goes on a rant. For my cousin Ashley Schaeffer, I hope you get a weird disease. (Wait, dont freak out on me), a disease where you have to come visit me once a year, or you will be compelled to vote Republican in EVERY election. For my Uncle Arthur Werry, I wish for you to come up with your own twitter-isms this year, so you dont have to just keep re-tweeting other peoples. For my Barb Werry, I wish for you to be able to creatively work into conversations, all year long, how much younger you are than your sister. For Robert Bel, I just wish for you find Jesus. Not the prison kind, either. For Michael Land I wish for you a larger bottle of Germ-X For Amanda Garretson, I wish for you to calm down. Just...calm the F down. lol. For Rick Hill, I wish for someone to give you a cane that fires shotgun slugs and has a shake resistant targeting array. For Kellie Harman, I wish for you find a camera that can take a picture without duck lips. I feel that your curse will soon be lifted. For Candie Jo Hansen I wish for you a different hat. That other one, while nice, shows up in as many photos as Kellies duck lips. Okay Santa, I took care of my family and the 9 friends that FB thinks are the most important to me (however they pick those 9 I dont know). Now its time for me to ask for something. As you can see from my aforementioned wishes, I have friends and family that are kind of ridiculous, but please dont blame me for them. Here is what I want: A tactical shoulder holster for my Ruger A new pair of Ariat boots A country girl. I prefer red hair, but Im not married to that (haha joke see!). I dont mean she has to smell like a barn, and generally prefer they dont. What I mean is polite, kind, hard-working, has a job and if there is a criminal record, its for something like streaking at a football game instead of the usual. Lastly, but not least, I wish for super powers. (Any two of these will do). Invisibility, Telepathy, Claws that come out of my hands, an adamantium skeleton, or the Iron Man suit. Your friend, Rob. PS I have cookies and milk and beer and pizza, some Skittles, a Victorias Secret calendar, a coon skin hat, a Lifetime membership to the jelly of the month club and Charlton Hestons autoraphed picture waiting for you.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 21:01:51 +0000
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