Dearest Anthony, Today is June 20th, 2014, Day 36 of your great nap Great news to hear that you are still moving around your right arm like crazy and your head, back and forth. Even though the nurse said she feels like youre trying to pull out your wires and stuff. I hope youre not in too much pain or discomfort, although I imagine you are. 8-( Yesterdays visit was tough at first, seeing your eyes taped shut because of the dryness and possible infections since you like to keep them open for too long, was kind of shocking. But, at first seeing you so still and not moving or responding, I thought your progress was all a dream and you were back at square one and non responsive, so glad your nurse told me she thought you were in pain and gave you pain meds and you calmed down and fell asleep. And while you were sleeping, and we waited for shift changed, Grandpa came out to visit you. We had a pre visit as I brought him up to date on all that has happened so far. As I shared the events of the day when you had the pulmonary embolism, he sat quietly and listened, and when I told him how the doctors had told us you were going to die, and there was nothing more that could be done for you, he shared with me stuff he said hadnt been able to speak of before without falling apart, as he started to relive the events of the day my mom died, it hit me, my dad lived this horror already, with our family, he took me out of reality and back in time, I saw our tragedy through his eyes, wow. It all makes so much sense now, my dad being who he has been, he is the picture of a survivor of a horrible tragedy, without Christ, as he recalled the events of that day, he too was told the same thing, that there was no hope for me, I was going to die and go to my mom who was still alive! All those years, I thought I witnessed my moms head exploding completely in the gunshot, but in reality, my dad finally told me, it was just part of her right brain as well, and though her eyes were closed as she was dying, she was crying, not speaking but he could see her painful torment of probably what she knew she had done. My dad said she twisted and turned as her arms flung back and forth and she moved her legs as if she were trying to get up. At that time my dad was told someone had come into our home and done this, while he was still trying to process this, he was told the truth, he said all the words were like a blur, another unfamiliar language, sadly, I was really able to understand that time in his life. So sad. He then said something I never knew. I always was well aware of what happened to me, I felt every bit of the physical pain from being shot, the emotionally trauma of what had taken place, and then even the pain of completely being ignored while I was in so much pain, I laid in the hospital for what seemed to be forever, ignored by all, which just reinforced my thought that everyone hated me and that was why all this had happened. But that wasnt the case. The whole time, I was awake and there, but in a coma! While I could see and hear them, and in my mind interact, I wasnt physically awake!!! While I thought I was being ignored, I was in a coma!! I just wanted to run to you and tell you that I knew you were alert and aware, that you just werent able to communicate, and as soon as they let us back in, I did!!! Im sure youll remind me when you can talk, how all this time you were awake and we were just ignoring you, but we went! We all just have been kind of in this blur of this tragedy that by the grace of God, is slowly but surely turning around. I wish I could sit by your side every hour every second of the day, and encourage you as your brain slowly is waking up, but, I cant always be there, and it hurts my heart like you cant begin to imagine. 8-( Today Im giving Buela Pascuela a break and watching Mason and Adrian while Viv and Fred work. Its kind of fun to put on my referee hat again. 8-) I hope we find a bed for you soon, close to home. So I gotta go for now and find these kids, see you soon... Love you always... Ma
Posted on: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 19:14:34 +0000
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