Dearest Kitty, A bundle of contradictions was the end of my previous letter and is the beginning of this one. Can you please tell me exactly what a bundle of contradictions is? What does contradiction mean? Like so many words, it can be interpreted in two ways: a contradiction imposed from without and one imposed from within. The former means not accepting other peoples opinions, always knowing best, having the last word; in short, all those unpleasant traits for which Im known. The latter, for which Im not known, is my own secret. As Ive told you many times, Im split in two. One side contains my exuberant cheerfulness, my flippancy, my joy in life and, above all, my ability to appreciate the lighter side of things. By that I mean not finding anything wrong with flirtations, a kiss, an embrace, an off-colour joke. This side of me is usually lying in wait to ambush the other one, which is much purer, deeper and finer. No one knows Annes better side, and thats why most people cant stand me. Oh, I can be an amusing clown for an afternoon, but after that everyones had enough of me to last a month. Actually, Im what a romantic movie is to a profound thinker – a mere diversion, a comic interlude, something that is soon forgotten: not bad, but not particularly good either. I hate having to tell you this, but why shouldnt I admit it when I know its true? My lighter, more superficial side will always steal a march on the deeper side and therefore always win. You cant imagine how often Ive tried to push away this Anne, which is only half of what is known as Anne-to beat her down, hide her. But it doesnt work, and I know why. Im afraid that people who know me as I usually am will discover I have another side, a better and finer side. Im afraid theyll mock me, think Im ridiculous and sentimental and not take me seriously. Im used to not being taken seriously, but only the light-hearted Anne is used to it and can put up with it; the deeper Anne is too weak. If I force the good Anne into the spotlight for even fifteen minutes, she shuts up like a clam the moment shes called upon to speak, and lets Anne number one do the talking. Before I realize it, shes disappeared. So the nice Anne is never seen in company. Shes never made a single appearance, though she almost always takes the stage when Im alone. I know exactly how Id like to be, how I am… on the inside. But unfortunately Im only like that with myself. And perhaps thats why-no, Im sure thats the reason why I think of myself as happy on the inside and other people think Im happy on the outside. Im guided by the pure Anne within, but on the outside Im nothing but a frolicsome little goat tugging at its tether. As Ive told you, what I say is not what I feel, which is why I have a reputation for being boy-crazy as well as a flirt, a smart aleck and a reader of romances. The happy-go-lucky Anne laughs, gives a flippant reply, shrugs her shoulders and pretends she doesnt give a darn. The quiet Anne reacts in just the opposite way. If Im being completely honest, Ill have to admit that it does matter to me, that Im trying very hard to change myself, but that I Im always up against a more powerful enemy. A voice within me is sobbing, You see, thats whats become of you. Youre surrounded by negative opinions, dismayed looks and mocking faces, people, who dislike you, and all because you dont listen to the advice of your own better half. Believe me, Id like to listen, but it doesnt work, because if Im quiet and serious, everyone thinks Im putting on a new act and I have to save myself with a joke, and then Im not even talking about my own family, who assume I must be sick, stuff me with aspirins and sedatives, feel my neck and forehead to see if I have a temperature, ask about my bowel movements and berate me for being in a bad mood, until I just cant keep it up anymore, because when everybody starts hovering over me, I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside g out, the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what Id like to be and what I could be if… if only there were no other people in the world. Yours, Anne M. Frank Tuesday 1 August 1944
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 18:56:14 +0000
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