Death, we learn that it happens, we learn to accept it, we learn that touches everyone at some point of their life. What I did not learn was what the death of your own child feels like. I mean who teaches that, it is the one thing in life that you never EXPECT to happen! You know that it can happen but no way in the world will it ever happen to YOU!! The most shocking part to me is just how many people out there in the world are living this same nightmare with me. I now belong to a “club” that cost me more than all the money in the world. I am joined there by more people than I can tell you. I have learned that the reason you dont learn about child loss before it happens to you is because most people that have never lost a child, can in no way comprehend what I would say to them anyway. Only another grieving parent can possible understand the words coming out of my mouth and honestly, I can see the look on most faces if I start to talk about Tisha and that pain and emptiness too much. There are the select few friends that know how to handle it and are so compassionate to listen. I have learned that it makes absolutely NO difference in what manner you lost your child, it is still the most horrible pain that you can imagine. Before this loss happened to me, I probably would have put degrees on the types of loss but not anymore. Every parent that has lost a child suffers in the same ways and in ways that other people will never understand. I have learned to lean on my new found friends when the road is too much because they do understand and know that they can lean on me also. Most of these friends, I have never met and only know on facebook. I guess that is why I have such an addiction to facebook now. It has become my lifeline. Not to say that I do not have a wonderful support system but there are just some things that only another parent in my situation would understand. I have lost friends, cousins, a grandmother that was like a mother to me and NOTHING compares to the pain of loosing your child. No matter how hard I tried to remain the same person I always was, I am different. I am different in good ways and in bad ways. My faith in God in so much stronger now and while that is great, it also leads me to feeling more guilt for not having more faith sooner and maybe that would have changed the outcome. My anger is normally at an all time high. I find myself wanting to tell people to shut up their complaining about simple little things and I want to explain to them just how much worse things could be. Thankfully, I snap out of that anger pretty quickly and keep my mouth closed because I realize I am on the self pity train. As angry as I get at times, I am even more filled with compassion for families that are going through any type of loss or serious illness and I find myself wanting to help everyone that I can. So, in essence, my life feels kind of bi polar at times!! I think back to many years ago when my sweet aunt lost her son to leukemia, there was no internet, no facebook and probably not a grief group within 200 miles of her. She is one of the very strongest women that I know. Yes, we have a great supportive family but there are some things that you are afraid to talk about sometimes to family. I had no idea nor did I ever think about what she had really lost; I didnt have children at the time. Then I think about another aunt that also lost her son more recently and I remember sitting in the funeral home with her and still I didnt understand the magnitude. I think when it really hit me was when some friends my age lost their son just a few months before I lost Tisha. I remember telling Tim at that time; I just cant imagine their pain. A short time later, I was feeling their pain. I guess I felt the need to share this to give you all some insight to what life is like now. I encourage you all, if you have a friend or family member that has lost a child, let them talk all they want about that child. I think that is what gets me the most, I try to not talk about her too much cause people may think I am crazy but I am so afraid that I will forget, that her friends will forget, that everyone will forget that she lived. And that my friends is a heartbreaking thought. I love you all and thank my family and my closest friends for understanding me and being such a rock the past two years!!!
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 12:20:52 +0000
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