December 24: The end is nigh! For this evening’s song, and the second-to-last song on my Top 25 Christmas Songs List, I reach into my bag of goodies and pull out a gem! This next song is written by two of the greatest musicians to walk the Earth. Their production is indeed an instant classic, spending well over 2 years on the Billboard Top 10 List in the US, UK and Liechtenstein! The singers/songwriters have also been offered full time music teaching positions at Princeton, Cambridge and Ivy Tech, but have turned down each in an effort to preserve the raw style of their musical genius. Yet it seems that everything they touch is gold, considering the fact that the video alone created world class movie stars of the three children filmed. But I would like to dig deeper into the history of this song, and its ramifications on history and life as we know it. WARNING: My wife has informed me that there is a good possibility that I may alienate / lose some of my readers in instances where I travel too far into the weeds. I am about to get deep into the weeds here, so those of you not interested may now stop reading. I am not talking topical trivia like the Red Baron’s meeting with Snoopy, I am talking deep. Like what did Snoopy and the Baron have for dinner that evening deep! So, to those of you with lives and not interested in the remaining gibberish, please enjoy this wonderful holiday song from two of Groovatrons founding members. But those of you that are still reading (perhaps you are constipated and reading this on the toilet? Or maybe you are stuck at the relative’s home and you want to look like you are doing something important so you don’t have to speak with Aunt Melinda?) continue. Those of you who are into the weeds…that came out wrong. Those of you, who are into the details, continue. And remember, this is 100% completely true! It is a known fact that Osama bin Laden was killed in a raid on May 2, 2011. But what people do not know is that the raid had less to do with Zero Dark Thirty, and more to do with this song. Let me explain. Our story starts in 1941, at the South Fork Bridge in Gold Bridge, British Columbia. Or it starts on November 20, 2011. It depends on where you define the circle. You see, it was November 20, 2011 that Jason Fugit was about to complete the greatest machine ever to be created – his own Time Machine. Loading his music player with several hours of music (including his high school friends new song Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist!), he left for history. His selection of cardigan sweater, Sunglasses, favorite “ M” T-shirt and jeans seemed a plausible choice for the winter weather, but when he arrived in 1941 Canada, Jason found that he didn’t quite fit in with the crowd. He also didn’t realize that a man with a Hat, suit and wire rim glasses was searching for him to determine what was on that “IPOD” he carried around. That man, known only as Sooks, was under direct orders from General Loucks to investigate any “out of the norm” citizens that may be planted spies in both Canada and the US. That was a tall order, so Loucks developed a network of folks, all falling under the unofficial reporting structure of Henry Wallace. It is interesting to note that there is a photo both Sooks and Fugit standing side by side at the re-opening of the South Fork Bridge. Had Sooks seized Fugit at that point, history would have been rewritten. But as fate would have it, Fugit realized the interest Sooks had for his iPod, and decided there and then to ditch the music player and return to 2011. He took his entire bag and threw it into the trash before escaping back to the present – but it did not stay in the trash. Shortly after, a young boy visiting from Memphis found the bag and gave the player a listen. So for the next seven years, a young and impressionable Elvis Presley was being educated by a band called Kids on Fire on a machine he had never seen before in his life. This musical iPod instrument was the basis of his style, and began what is now known as rock and roll. Unfortunately, the player was seized by a visitor in 1948. This visitor, Dr. Reichenberger, was part of operation paperclip and had orders to research this new instrument and determine if it was indeed an item that could be used as a weapon. Reichenberger worked for several months on this item, before consulting his new Russian girlfriend, Ivanna Perdilonkov, for suggestions. It was during this time that the US decided to rid themselves of the good Dr., and thus they decided to give the man an assignment in Adelaide, South Australia. Dr. Reichenberger was permitted to take nothing but a change of clothes and a book, to which he chose to bring Rubaiyat. He would not be heard from again until he was found dead on December 1, 1948. The woman, however, took the iPod and enjoyed a 15 years of good music. But she knew a secret, and the secret began to bloom as the years passed. You see, in addition to the rockin’ Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist, there was also a song call November 22, 1963 by D. Hansen & M. Hickman. So as she dug herself deeper into the debt of an American Promise land, she was approached by a certain Sooks – and the money he offered her could not be turned down. She knew she had succeeded before she even began thanks to the lyrics of that song, so what could go wrong? So on November 21, 1963 she kissed her sister Bella goodbye and boarded a plane for Dallas. Her sister, meanwhile, remained in California and prayed that Ivanna would have a change of heart. Bella spent the 21st waiting for Ivanna to call, but when no call came, Bella took it in her hands to call. So the morning of the 22nd, Bella disguised her voice and claimed to be her favorite actress, Karyn Kupcinet. She told the operator that the president is going to die. Meanwhile, her sister was given the camera/gun to take care of the president if he was not killed by “the others”. She put on her babushka, her sunglasses and she went out to earn her money. Despite the calls from Bella, the death of JFK was not prevented and the Babushka Lady vanished into history. We catch back up with Ivanna in Washington DC, at the funeral of her sister, Bella, in 1973. After the funeral, Ivanna was looking for a place to eat when she stumbled upon a Moroccan restaurant that seemed to be very popular. Her first meal was great, just the right food to take away the sting of her loss and the right mood to drowned her sorrows. But the owner must have seen the sadness because when she came in for a second time, Bashir Kouchacji provided her with a free meal and said he was sorry for her loss. This olive branch turned into a secret affair that finally yielded a glimpse of Ivanna’s iPod, and her playing of the by now sacred song Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist. Bashir was amazed at the invention of a tiny music player, and more amazed by the beauty of the song. Unfortunately, after having a few too many drinks at the bar one night in 1974, he was overheard talking about the player and its song. Shortly after he was summoned back to Beirut for official business and once there, kidnapped and held hostage for four days while his possessions were searched. The iPod, which had not returned to Ivanna, was now seized and delivered to the powerful Saudi Arabian advisor, Salem bin Laden. Salem, having examined it and found it of little use, decided to present it to his son Osama as a gift. Osama bin Laden, having been preparing for university he would be attending in four years, found the music stimulating and enjoyed the player. But his favorite was the song Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist, in which he was amazed that his own name was in the lyrics. He fantasized of being a military inspector and finding this “other” bin Laden and capturing him just before disaster. This fantasy stuck with him in university and bridged a gap between him and other students. Playing Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist, bin Laden was able to make many friends, including two men that were conspiring to form a terrorist group called The New Suns. But once they heard the song, they turned on their terrorist ways and chose to become musicians instead. Meanwhile, poor Bashir Kouchacji, having lost the player was only able to hide for so long. In 1983, he received one phone call from someone by the name of Sooks. Sooks simply asked where it was. Bashir had no idea what Sooks was referring to and thus asked him not to call again. That backfired. Bashir then began receiving threatening calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, for NINE YEARS! Even when he went to visit people in other cities the calls would follow. He eventually had himself committed. But for Osama… Life was good for bin Laden, until he met Fatima. Fatima was not interested in his player, and not interested in his music. She had seen the ways of the Western Culture and saw nothing but evil. Bin Laden pleaded with his love to reconsider. He played her the music of the amazing band, Kids on Fire. She melted into tears, sobbing hysterically into the pillow and could not speak for more than 15 minutes. Osama was horrified, what had happened? When she finally calmed down, she told him how her sisters were burned by pro-westerners when they were just children. It was then that bin Laden placed the Kids on Fire band with the events of her past and wept bitterly along with her. He apologized for the lapse in judgment, and announced his intention to make her proud! He would rid himself of the music player, withdraw from the university and head to Afghanistan to fight the Soviets to prove his love. This was of course the end of the player…until it was purchased by a man Derek Batten. Derek had been donating lots of dollars to a program in the United States called HAARP when he was sold the player by a “troll-like” man who also slipped him an old sheet of paper that was hidden inside the player. That paper detailed specific details of Batten’s investment project, HAARP and its implications on both world dominance and weather modifications. Batten decided he would read this paper by Jason Fugit just as soon as he found the time. After all, he was taking a long trip aboard his yacht, the Kaz II, with his neighbors, the brothers Tunstead. If they became annoying, he could always settle in the cabin and take a crack at this report. So he took the player and the report, and left to enjoy his journey to Townsville, Australia! And why not? With Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist playing everything was going to be alright! Well, the Kaz II was found but the passengers were never located. However, one guard that searched the boat, a member of the university in where he studied with bin Laden, recognized the player. And though it took him four years to return to his old comrade, he finally did. And the evening of May1, 2011, this old friend pulled out an outdated iPod, hooked it to the speakers in bin Laden’s compound, and hit play. Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist blasted through the speakers and the two smiled at each other, remember the simpler life. At that exact moment, the HAARP locked in on the song Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist and an old man by the name of Sooks picked up the receiver and called the president. Choppers were scrambled and task forces deployed. The following days, a major newspaper would be amazed that they were in possession of a detailed report on the death of bin Laden by their correspondent, Jason Fugit, which is dated April 5th, 2011. The title of the article that Jason wrote? It was Merry Christmas dont be a terrorist! https://youtube/watch?v=sbWrjO_3T1g
Posted on: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 09:46:14 +0000