Deep in the Bowels of the Civic Centre: 13 [The scene opens in a kitchen on Ty Bryn Road, Abertillery. It is late Saturday night and a party is clearly in full swing. The sound of music and shouting drifts in from the lounge. Hedley McCarthy (BA Hons), leader of Ebbw Vale County Borough Council, is talking to his deputy Steve Thomas. Steve is dressed in a pale blue Loro Piana pullover, faded J Crew 484 jeans and John Lobb loafers. He is drinking a gin and tonic and is lighting a Hoyo de Monterrey cigar with a folded £10 note. Hedley is dressed in a slightly too tight Tigger onesie and drinking a blue Slush Puppy, which has left an inch-wide stain around his mouth. On the floor, slumped against a kitchen unit, Hedleys Significant Other is snoring loudly and drooling onto a stained Cradle of Filth T shirt.] Steve [looking concerned]: Jeez...is she OK? She doesnt sound too healthy. Hedley: What? Oh yeah, shell be fine. Shes been drinking the Cillit Bang again. Give her a few hours and shell be right as rain. [smiles widely, revealing blue-stained teeth] Pretty good party eh? Steve [nodding and drawing on his cigar]: Hmmmm, very cool. Good of Alun to buy the booze. [chuckles] Hell have spent all that £10,000 pay rise before he gets it at this rate! [Just then Alun Davies AM, runs into the kitchen dressed only in his underpants, throws up into the sink and wipes his mouth before taking a long draught from the champagne bottle he is holding and running back out of the kitchen singing Aga Doo Doo Doo...] Hedleys Significant Other [awoken by the commotion, stirs and issues an enormous burp]: What the...? Where....? [peers at Steve through one bloodshot eye] Who are you ******* looking at? [falls unconscious again and recommences her snoring, even more loudly] Hedley [looks very relieved]: Thank God she didnt wake up properly! Shes always in a foul mood when shes been on the cleaning fluids. [sighs and then looks glum] Anyway, wed better enjoy ourselves while we can Pete. Things are looking pretty grim in the world outside, eh? Steve [narrows his eyes against the cigar smoke and nods his agreement]: Yes... yes they do Glorious Leader. Another round of cuts to make. Yet more hardship... [sees Hedleys eyes widen] Oh no, not for us Glorious Leader! For the locals. The sheep-le. [laughs at his own joke] Hedley [confused] What? Oh yeah, I spose. No, I meant the council merger. Thing is Pete... I know Im loved by everyone in these parts but... [breaks off to help his friend who appears to be choking on his cigar smoke] Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah... what I mean Pete is, what if the new council doesnt want me as Leader? I mean, they dont know me in Torfaen and Caerphilly. Steve [under his breath]: And thats the only hope youve got, you half-wit. [then loudly] True, Glorious Leader. But remember, the same applies to the leaders of the other councils too. [drains his glass] Anyway, thats for another day. Lets have another drink, yeah? [reaches for the gin bottle. This last sentence triggers a response in Hedleys Significant Other, who opens her eyes and sniffs the air. She lumbers to her feet and pushes matted blonde hair from her drool-encrusted face.] Hedleys Significant Other: Get your ******* hands off that bottle you thieving *******! [bares yellowing teeth and growls deep in her throat] Hedley [puts his hand on the shoulder of his terrified deputy]: OK Pete, now listen to me. Put the bottle down slowly - dont make any sudden move - and back away towards the door. And keep your eyes down, dont make eye contact. [The two men edge carefully towards the door and then step through, closing it softly behind them. A loud Bwahahaha is heard from the kitchen, followed by the sound of breaking glass.] Steve [wiping sweat from his forehead]: Well that was pretty freaky. How the hell do you put up with THAT? Hedley [shrugs]: Well she doesnt spend ALL her time sitting in the house drunk. I mean, I admit she IS usually drunk, but sometimes she goes out. Steve [shaking his head]: Well I think thats it for me. Im heading home. You staying here for the night? Hedley: Err, no. I think Ill head back to my place - hang on Ill join you. Steve: OK. [looking around] Where did you put my coat Glorious Leader? [Hedley walks over to a coat stand in the corner of the room and lifts off Steves jacket. The coat stand smiles at him.] Steve [stares in astonishment as he opens the door]: What the... Is that who I think it is? Whats he doing holding the coats? Hedley [nods]: Yeah, its Nick Smith. [closes the door behind them both] Well, hes not much of a talker and finds it hard to mix at parties. To be honest we were struggling to think of anything for him to do. I think he enjoyed himself though. Come on, lets see if we can get a swift one in the Crown! [He slaps his deputy on the back and the two men slink away into the slient, unlit night.]
Posted on: Thu, 27 Nov 2014 06:43:08 +0000
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