Deep shame around money part 2 All the story I presented in my last post around money, it was painful and deep, and I DO struggle to maintain a semblence of right relation with my responsibility with family, with business with self, but none of that even comes close to my deepest shame of all Even as I write this, I am sobbing in my bed, THIS IS SO HARD! to admit to myself, to others, especially those I love most in the world. I have a tendency to use money to create connection, and therefore end up tainting all of my connections in that if there wasnt money/business/value there the connection might disappear. I am not proud of it, in fact I have continuously found ways to idealicize and stratigize and make excuse after excuse that THAT is NOT what I am doing. In writing this I have a fear that those closest to me will not ever be able to trust me to create business, or create adventures, or be able to look at my Monique crazy schemes the same way, because how dare I try to find ways for them to trade their hard earned time and attention for time and attention with/on me. But do you know what the greater fear is? If I had to choose, would I choose freedom over connection? Would I be willing to give up ANY connection if it wasnt simply based on us coming together out of mutual desire to connect? Is there a part of my severely traumatized, wounded, scared self that is willing to put myself out there, take away all the incentives, and trust that there are people and moments and interactions that will thrive in FREEDOM and CONNECTION, never again having to decide between either or. I had my first really real job when I was 16, I was the best telemarketer on the floor, I passed all their previous records, within a matter of a few weeks I had earned $5,000, I had gotten many of the people I longed for more time with, jobs there, I all of a sudden had more connection from my family, my friends, the person who was the love of my life at that time. and within another month all $5,000 was gone... I couldnt account for the specifics of where it had gone, and I was being sent away to live with my dad in Washington state all those relationships I had just cultivated, the job I loved, all of it gone and in some ways I have continued to build/bridge mix business and pleasure, money and connection, and I have always always lived by the motto that I will give more than I would ever take. Here I am, raw, and trembling, still so scared to have you read these words, afraid that by outing my deepest inner workings and shame, that you cant unhear it, and that those I love the most and have created the deepest connections with, will feel like they have to modify or pull away for my own good or for their own good. I havent always been the cleanest, or been able to separate money and connection, but the thing I feel in every fiber of my being is under all of it is just a simple desire to love and be loved. I just love, I love soooooo much, it gets confusing sometimes but my greatest hope in sharing all my scariest stuff is that I can unravel, untangle, and step into a new world of worth, of connecting eye to eye, heart to heart, where every type of value is just another tool and stepping tool within the waves of our hearts. As I go to press send, I wonder if there are those of you who truly can read this and still love me more.......?
Posted on: Wed, 17 Dec 2014 19:30:12 +0000
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