Diagnosis part 2. So you all know how we came to learn my mums fate and the difficulties in getting that diagnosis. Let me tell you about me and how my life changed for good. It was Weds, 23rd Aug 2004. I was 5 months pregnant with my second child at the time. I had a very demanding 2 year old and worked full time so was very stressed out and tired to start with! My pregnancy had had various issues and I was going every week for scans. I knew of mums health issues and how she was deteriorating and was hoping and praying she didnt have cancer. So mentally my head could be found well and truly up my bottom! Mum was in Edinburgh and I lived in Atherton so I would call her most evenings. Sometimes she made perfect sense and other times I didnt know half of what she was saying, but I couldnt ask her to repeat herself too much or she got upset and shouted at me! After a while I found myself having to make conversation with my dad as she wouldnt even come to the phone due to her voice. Now I love the bones of my dad but there are certain things, especially during pregnancy that you just need your mum for! I would text her on her mobile but its never the same. I missed our chats from the off and sometimes when I was feeling fat and tired I just wanted to hear her voice. But this was fading, and eventually was gone. I knew she was at the doctors that day and was waiting for my dad to call in the evening. I went to tesco straight from work, these are details I will never forget. I came through the door bags full of shopping and Andrew said your dads just rang then he cried and sobbed and mumbled out your mums been to the doctors, and she has came back today and your dad says shes been and shes home and blah blah blah...he went on skirting round the words he didnt want to say, getting more and more upset. I remember saying to him shes got cancer hasnt she? and he simply said back Motor Neurone disease. The bags of shopping fell out my arms, all over the floor and I followed them a few seconds after. I didnt ask for any other detail, had anything else been said? Was I to ring back? I remember getting up of the floor running upstairs and putting the computer on. Andrew followed me screaming at me not to look it up on the computer, unknown to me he already had. But I did, I read for about 20 minutes and all that I kept reading around all the medical terms I didnt understand was 3-5 years. My mum had 3-5 years to live. It took me well over an hour to muster the courage to call my dad back. I picked the phone up and threw it down over 20 times. If I didnt phone then maybe I didnt have to hear it? Face it? Believe it? Eventually Andrew made me calm down and phone back. My dad said hello and I just broke down, didnt say a word and come to think of it either did he. We just both cried, inconsolably. Then eventually my sister picked up the phone and talked me round. She said we had no prognosis, no timescales, no care plan, nothing! We just had to wait for someone to get in touch. My mum wouldnt come to the phone mainly cause she was upset but also as she knew I was. There was a lot of well can they not try this or could they not send her here in that phone call between myself and my sister but mostly long silences when one or both of us was sobbing. As soon as I put the phone down i grabbed my phone to text my boss to say I wouldnt be in work, I was planning to drive to Scotland to see my mum. But Andrew talked me round. I was 5 months pregnant, not in great health and now highly emotional. The feelings I hadover the next few days were of sadness and anger but of an overwhelming sense of guilt. I was in Atherton (England), 3 hours away and could do nothing. My mum was going to die and I would be miles away for the best part of what time she had left. Should we move? Could I have visited more? Then there was the fact that I was in England and all my sisters and brother were there with her. I felt so isolated and alone. I wanted to be part of it all. Be there at that minute when the family had came together. Dont get me wrong I was well informed and we are all incredibly close but I just needed to be there and I couldnt physically do it. The guilt was awful. Worse than the sadness. No amount of time prepared me for her passing. And the 3-5 years we had planned in our heads went drastically wrong. My mum passed 5 months after diagnosis. I wouldnt wish this experience on my worst enemy. Its something that changed me and my family and something nobody should ever have to go through. If I can raise funds that can go towards researching this horrible disease then maybe families could have a far better experience after their loved ones diagnosis than we did. Maybe in mine,or my childrens lifetimes we can find a cure. Please donate. For mum x
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 16:07:22 +0000
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