Diary of a Snow Shoveler! December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, well definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says well have so much snow by the end of winter, that Ill never want to see snow again. I dont think thats possible. Bob is such a nice man, Im glad hes our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches of snow last night. The temperature dropped to 20 below zero. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnt realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but Ill certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldnt huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifes car and two extra shovels. Stocked the Freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I Think thats silly. We arent in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like Hades. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shouldve bought a wood stove, but wont admit it to her. How I hate it when shes right. I cant believe Im freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricitys back on, but had another 14 of the blasted stuff Last night. More shoveling. Took all day. GOSH DARN snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said theyre too busy playing hockey. I think theyre lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and theyre out. Might have another shipment in March. I think theyre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think hes lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white mess fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says hes too busy. I think the jackass is lying. December 23: Only 2 of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house for Christmas this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think shes lying. December 24: 6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blankety-blank who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his privates and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere Ive just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the bloody snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas??? Hah! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes an idiot. If I have to watch Its a Wonderful Life one more time, Im going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hades did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. Shes really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to 30 below, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28: Warmed up to above 50 below. Still snowed in. The BITTY is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. Thats the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear end. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9 inches of snow predicted. December 31: I set fire to whats left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Posted on: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:06:58 +0000