Did you ever play the game about trust where you close your eyes and fall back and trust that the other person will catch you? That game must have been popular when I was a teenager, because I remember playing it well. In the last two years I have learned to trust what is unseen more than ever, and it is not easy to do. Who would catch us after Taylors fall? Lesson one...as soon as we learned that recovery from a TBI was shown to be drastically increased with the same person by the survivors side in the acute phase, we became determined that I would be with Taylor. I worked full time, carried all of our families benefits, and had no idea how FMLA or any of that worked, let alone all of the repercussions that may come. Trust. This is hard to find the right words to explain, but as a family we knew what my heart was screaming from the inside, I could not and would not leave Taylor. One of us would be there, and it was me...but how? It worked out, but it was never easy. There was a lot of paperwork, red tape, tears, and frustrations involved it was scary but we made it work with a lot of support. I ended up being able to stay with Taylor when he was hours away from home for months, with a roof over my head, food to eat and support around me. Not only did he survive, he began to thrive in ways we never imagined because we all worked together to ensure that he did. Trust. Lesson two...the financial impact was great. My mind was not able to go there, but Shelby and Brett and their team from ground zero thought about it. I dont know how they did it all, but they alleviated MANY burdens through fundraising, etc with Team Taylor. So many people were involved and helped us in an area that was far too much for me to comprehend. We had moments when bills came where we panicked, I remember one very distinct meltdown after fighting with an insurance company for about 48 hours, where I was certain the world had come crashing down (again), it didnt. There were times I had to shut that off, but there were also times when the hospital said, sign here and I could not shut it off. Bills were paid, needs were met and we were even able to help others along the way. Trust. Lesson three..ing home. Bryn Mawr had done all that they could, and all that insurance would allow. We were very fortunate that Taylor was there as long as he was. Could we survive coming home, could we take care of Taylor? It was not easy, it was scary. Trips to the ER, explosive grand mal seizures, his tremendous set back and almost losing him...again. But we made it. At one point Dr. Timmons wanted us to consider his staying in a nursing facility for a while...she was worried about the wearing down that was happening in me. Could I take care of him during the day alone? He was in a very fragile state, and I went and looked at the facility. I knew my heart couldnt do it. I had to tell myself not to run out of there, but tears flowed during the entire tour. We knew we would be there all of the time anyway...we had to believe in ourselves. Instead we had visiting nurses (angels), learned to push IV meds, and adjusted. Trust. Lesson four...not the last, but for this post it is :). Caregiving. Wow, so much is encompassed in this word. I cannot tell you the burden this has added to our ordeal. It has caused me as much turmoil as any part of this. The reasons are complex, and difficult but perhaps at the root of them is it is not easy in any way to have to find care for a 24 year old brain injured person, who functions in numerous ways. There are so many aspects to it, and they are just hard to work through. Taylors preferences. His quirks. His feelings....then throw those things about ourselves in. Some of you may wonder why we have three to four different caregivers, but burnout is great and we have so far only hired people we know and know us. Our hearts havent been ready for the shift. But we have made it. So far we have both been able to keep our jobs, which sometimes is very uncertain. Trust. The reason I write this today is simple...the tough things in life that we face require an element of trust. We have to believe that the people we love will be alright, that we will be alright, and that even when life throws the most challenging things our way...emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, we can get through it. I have learned all to well that not all endings are happy, but with inner strength, the mindset that you WONT give up, whispered prayers in the darkest hours and the ongoing support of family and friends...the ending can be bearable, doable and we can look back and say...look what we did together...for Taylor, for the Bingaman Family, for ourselves. I love you for helping in this journey with us and I want to thank you for trusting with us and in us. I hope that if you have a situation, large or small, that in the end you can see how trust, knowledge, faith and hard work make a better result and that you will find the strength to do what needs to be done in the moments that matter. But know that you dont have to do it alone. Love is winning...
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 13:51:58 +0000
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