(Disclaimer: I have no idea what Im trying to accomplish by posting this, I just know I feel like sharing and since you, my Facebook audience, have no other choice but to listen, I will impose my will on you.) And now a moment of complete and utter honesty The plight of a gay, fat person. See, things are different when youre fat like me, and I dont mean just a couple pounds overweight, I mean fat. I mean walking into mall and knowing nothing in that mall is going to fit you, fat. I mean refusing to take a picture with your friends while youre sitting down because you know how big your belly is going to look, fat. I mean turning on Grindr, and having no messages because no one would even want to waste the time to talk to you, fat. I mean refusing to eat in front of people, because you know that even in front of the best of friends, theyre thinking, should you really be eating that, fat. I mean not wanting to walk into a gym on any day, but especially on January 1st, because you know all the status updates on Facebook about all the New Years resolution fatties are making the gym unbearable are about you, fat. I mean refusing to see your friends, or family members, because you know that youve gained weight since the last time they saw you and youd rather make up an excuse not to see them so that theyll remember what you look like previously, fat. I have lost and gained and lost and gained and lost and gained. Ive been 165lbs. Ive been 320lbs. Ive been on a diet my entire life. I will most likely be on a diet the rest of my life. Weight has become the ultimate villain in my life story. Its what Im most known for. When someone says, hey do you know Ali, I guarantee their first descriptive adjective is about my weight. No one says , you know the guy with the brown hair or the guy with the freaky eye color. Its always, you know, the big guy. My weight defines me. It dictates what I do, who I do it with, where I can do things. My weight...is the ultimate bully. And I cant ask for sympathy because I clearly did this to myself. I cant ask for answers to fix the situation because I could just start exercising and eating right and Ill lose the weight...its so simple. I cant ask for understanding or compassion because Im not just a fat man, Im a *gay* fat man...which means that 99% of the people around me are not only not fat, but their body image is one of, if not, the most important aspects of their life. And yet the irony...the *true* irony, is that Im at my happiest...my thinnest...my most beautiful...when Im eating. When Im eating, Im the most powerful person in the world. No one is saying no, Im not depriving myself, Im feeding my body, but Im also feeding my soul. And so you eat, and eat, and eat as fast as you can. You always get extra, more than you know you can finish because its FAR worse to finish and still be hungry than to stuff yourself to the very top, and have some left over. You completely gorge and lay content in your accomplishment...until five minutes goes by and you remember. You remember who you are. You remember what you just did. You remember that any and all work you did to lose weight over the course of the past week, you undid in a matter of minutes. And the circle continues. The plight of a gay, fat man? When defeat, is simultaneously not an option, and the only option. But hey, I got through day one. So, you know, maybe this time will be different. Right? Right? Right! ...right. #SorryForTheOvershare #OperationGetYourLifeBack
Posted on: Fri, 19 Dec 2014 08:35:20 +0000
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