Do you ever feel so tired from trying that you find you are unable to achieve anything? Sometimes, when I feel my physical body failing me in the form of illness or exhaustion, I look inside for what is depleting me emotionally, not just physically. When I am working constantly, which generally revitalizes my sense of self, and I become burned out, I find that it is usually because the emotional aspects of what transpires in that work start to distract me from the joy of the opportunities work gives me. Is it a negative musician? (Gasp-- no-- never... [eyeroll]...) Is it a late payment from a club owner causing money problems? Is it a hostile work environment or unsafe circumstances? These things wear one down. These things have been wearing me down. And as I feel myself giving way to the dark thoughts and depression that keep me in bed or make me want to give up on believing in the best in things, I try to meditate and realign my thoughts on all I have to be grateful for. In doing that for ten minutes or so, I can find that grain of energy to reboot my will to get through the hardships. Perhaps remove myself from unreliable people-- stop fighting for them to be better or empathic or respectful, and leave them where they stand in their rigidity and obtuse dim-state. If you cannot pierce someone with your light, stop breaking yourself down to crack their walls. Go towards the light of others and better atmospheres to grow into will seem to be everywhere. In the last week, I have had to fight to get paid for services rendered, endure ridiculous harassment and abuse at Sage Kitchen + Bar only to be illegally dropped from a contract for expecting the owner to do his job and protect me and the band (and the other patrons) from the over-served, out of control abuse he was permitting while we were inhibited from doing our job properly... I have encountered the most obnoxious narcissistic pianist in the city, been victim to having to hear his rant of insecure projections onto a teenager who sat in on his gig, only to be the target of his garrulous attacks for daring to question HIM on his opinion (when I was not-- I was QUESTIONING HIS COMPULSION TO BE SO POINTLESSLY SARDONIC AND JUDGMENTAL TOWARDS EVERYONE ON EARTH)... I have faced the reality that people we love may not always be capable of consistency or true empathy in our lives. That has been a loss I have been preparing for... I have been let down by people I gave the benefit of the doubt to, and I have suffered damages for it. But in this expanding amoeba of conflict and turmoil, I decided to remember the things I do have: I have air in my lungs, a beautiful, skilled voice to sing my feelings through, a powerful mind to think differently and work out my adversities in creative ways. I have family and friends that love me, and strong limbs that let me walk through the city to clear my head. I have memories that comfort me and supporters I have yet to meet in this world... And I have a heart full of love to give to the RIGHT people-- the people that DESERVE love, the people that NEED it... that do not exploit it. So, my step towards solving some fiduciary issues and some spiritual issues will come from the same source: my will to find a better way through changing my perspective; my obligation to myself to make every decision I can from a place of positivity and concise awareness of obstacles, emotions and fears that are unavoidable-- sometimes it begins with asking for help. Sometimes it begins with asking why, instead of assuming the answers. Sometimes it begins with ending something that no longer serves my higher self. Leaving unhealthy people or situations starts with clearing out my own unhealthy habits. Another day, another chance to try to do this. Bear with me.
Posted on: Mon, 24 Nov 2014 23:03:37 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015